The Club

The club nobody wants to join: Widowhood

It took me a long time to say the word "widow". It was a title thrust upon me when I was 28 yrs. old. 

But I have learned everyone you meet is grieving someone or something.

To my fellow grievers, 
Breathe!
Pain and grief sucks the breath right out of us.
We also try to control our emotions by not breathing deep. 
But we need that oxygen. 
So breathe deep.

And remember though many things demand attention and overwhelm you.
All you got to do is breath.

Please know that that the LORD loves you. You might not feel it. You might feel very alone and forsaken. But know that the LORD is near. He may be silent. But He is near and is very tender towards you during this difficult time of sorrow. 
Talk to HIM. Pour out your heart to HIM. He is listening. HE sees. He understands. He cares.

Take life just one moment at a time. 
One prayer at a time. 
One breath at a time. 
Be gentle with yourself.

And since you stopped by, 
I encourage you to go back to 2008 when I began posting.
It was just 2 yrs after my husband died.  
My heart was still raw and healing was slow.
I think the boys were 7, 4, and 2!!

It has been quite a journey. Many things besides parenting and grief were blogged. 
But the overwhelming theme is this: 
Christ Jesus is Real.
Christ Jesus is very Personal.
Christ Jesus is Enough.

Thanksgiving Chair

I felt like this post needed to go on this older blog. It brings about our healing full circle. Almost 3 years ago, I verbally thanked the Lord for taking Jim. This Thanksgiving as we spent some time in silent prayer, Lord was working on Snurr's heart in ways I didn't know. We each took time sitting in the Thanksgiving chair. When we were done, Snurr lingered behind.
"Do you know why it took me so long? I thanked God for taking Daddy. It was a hard thing to do."
Oh, the preciousness of those words to me, I can't describe. But I feel lile Snurr just slammed a door in the enemy's face and has opened himself up to the Lord in a way he hadn't before.

My mind went back to the night that the Lord told me to verbally thank Him outloud. And I realize my obedience was more than just for my healing. I paved the way for my youngest son. He needed to hear me say it as much as I needed to say it. And he followed that example.

Obey the Lord, even when it is hard. Even when it hurts. You never know whose little eyes are watching or ears are listening. You have no idea how God will use your example in another's life.

Me in a Word

This is the description of me. I am no computer genius and I plan to have a little different description for my new blog bb4thelord2.blogspot.com. So just in case it changes on this blog as well I thought I would post it here:

HOME--this word describes me well. Jim and I were married at home on our front porch. I homebirthed our three precious boys (aka Snipp, Snapp, and Snurr). Homeschooling naturally followed. Home... the word brings thoughts of family, love, comfort, and refuge. My beloved husband was headed home when God called him Home to Heaven in 2006. Home is where he is buried. Welcomed home is how I felt when in 1998 I asked Christ Jesus to be Lord of my life and trusted Him as my Saviour. With hugs of rejoicing, He washed my sins away and I was adopted into His family. Oh, the comfort of being home. And someday, either by trumpet call or when He calls my name, I shall go Home to Heaven. But until then......... With the Lord, I am pressing onward in this journey of single parenting and homeschooling. He ordered this all up for me, and as hard as that is to accept, it is encouraging, because I know I am in the will of God. And that is the safest place to be, no matter what circumstances are around me or emotions are within me. Isaiah 41:13

God Be With You, till I Post Again

It will be 10yrs this coming birthday when my LORD spoke to my heart,
"I love you more than you will ever understand, and I said this is best."

I find my need to write and post is greatly dwindling. 
Not because my LORD isn't moving and working in my life,
but because HE IS. He is working so abundantly that my computer time is extremely limited.

I pour myself and focus into other things, though it has been a treasure and therapy to blog. 
I hope to get back to blogging more faithfully.  But I know in my heart it won't be for awhile.
Maybe a long while. 

So to all who browse here, I encourage you to go back to 2008 when I began posting.
It was just 2 yrs after my husband died.  My heart was still raw and healing was slow.
I think the boys were 7, 4, and 2!!

It has been quite a journey. Many things besides parenting and grief were blogged. 
But the overwhelming theme is this: Christ Jesus is Real and Christ Jesus is Enough.

"Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive; and let thy widows trust in me." Jeremiah 49:11

"Place them in my hand, my child.  Release your children to ME.  I will preserve them alive.  I promise.  And you shall learn to trust in ME."

Yes, LORD, when I let go of who I fear losing, you allow me to develop a trust in You that is like super glue. And LORD, who ever stops by and reads this blog, may they believe upon You for salvation and may they grow mightily in You as they see Your fingerprints in our lives.

Colossians 1:18b   ......that in all things he might have the preeminence.

Amen!

Surrender

So once again I was at prayer meeting.
Pouring my heart about many burdens.
Again I felt God telling me to verbally thank Him out loud for taking Jim.
Surrender, yield.......I want to do that to my Lord.
Yet I found the words stuck in my throat and without realizing it I began shaking my head.
But I wanted to say it. I needed to say it..........
More shaking of the head and tears overflowed.
My throat grew tight.
He was asking me to say what I knew I needed to. 
But for what seemed like a forever moment all I could do was look down and shake my head.


I took deep breaths and forced my voice to speak.
"Thank You for taking Jim........................
(many tears poured down my face, I took a breath and continued)
"cuz' I wouldn't know You like I do...."


I don't remember what else I said.
I finished and a brother-in-the-Lord gave me a box of Kleenex.
I felt the Lord Himself had given them to me.
Now that He had me dealt with me spiritually,
He was taking care of my physically.
And yet I also became aware of others around me again.
Because when I was battling surrendering and speaking those words,
everyone disappeared to me.  It was like God and I were alone.


After awhile, while others prayed, I felt my Heavenly Father beckoning me to go to a special place.
It is where I feel like I am a little girl again and am being held in my Eternal Father's arms.
I went to that spot and just let the tears flowed.


My pastor walked by me and gently patted me.
A gesture of care. Simple and yet I felt like My Eternal Father was patting my back.
Like Jim used to with the boys......
I could hear him say, " It's okay. God's got ya! It's okay."
More tears slipped down my face.
I leaned my head against the organ and just rested in my Heavenly Father's arms.
A little while later another brother-in-the-Lord gave me a Kleenex.
The tears were close to stopping.


But it was again like the Lord was speaking to my heart.
"Now that we got our business done on that, it is time for you to weep for someone else.

Revive Me

Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.
My pastor preached Sunday about Revival.  He quoted a man who said, "Go home, draw a circle around yourself, and ask God to revive everything inside that circle."  During invitation, I knelt at the pew I was in.  I was the only one in that pew and I felt God so close to me. 

As I prayed for God to revive me, I felt Him speak to my heart to obey what He had told me to do.  I had to think for a moment, but then I knew what He was talking about.  Two weeks ago during prayer meeting I was praying out loud, I was about to say "Thank You for this church family." But as I said thank you, I felt God prick my heart to say Thank you for taking Jim..............well I didn't. It was such a private thing to say in front of others. It is such a difficult thing to think let alone verbalize. So I caught my breath and then just thanked God for my church family. 

So Sunday I knew what I was suppose to do. So verbally out loud I told God thank You for taking Jim. Then the wave of tears came and I wept. The tears were of mixed emotions: grief, gratefulness, humility, brokenness.  Without Jim in my life, I have pursued Christ in a way I never did when Jim was here. 

I still miss Jim so much.  Even in typing those words, tears come yet again. A part of me became crippled when he left my side.  But the Lord used that crippling to draw me closer to His side. And draw others to Himself as well. There is so many ripples that God knew about that I didn't.

In Sunday School we have been studying about the miracles of Christ.  Time and time again He is healing people and GOD is glorified. But there are times, when the Lord allows people to be crippled either physically or deep within their soul so He is glorified.   The LORD continues to teach me how to thrive in Him.  To find my completeness in Him. But He also understands the grief in my heart that makes me walk with a limp in my soul.