February 05, 2013

I Stand in Awe

7 years.

It has been 7 years since I touched my beloved's lips with mine.  Seven long years since I stroked his beard and looked into his eyes and see that mischievous twinkle. Seven years that I haven't heard his strong, tender voice in my ears. Seven years since I laid my head on his chest and felt his strong, comforting arms surrounding me with peace. 
Seven years of learning to breathe again, learing how to live like an emotional amputee, learning to trust God at a deeper level, learning how tender God's mercy can be, learning to be content as a widow in a couples' world.  Learning...............

I stand in awe of what the LORD has done with me.
That HE would work so carefully and diligently on me.
Me--who fails most of the time and seems to never get what He is trying to teach me.
I am a living, breathing, miracle.  A testimony of His mercy.
For I am alive, only one who has had their beloved tragically torn from their side,
understands how amazing it is to be alive, when the hurt used to be so strong, it took great effort to breathe.  A hurt so heart wrenching, so physically strong, death seemed certain.

I stand in awe of what the LORD has done in our boys.
They all love the LORD!  They aren't perfect but they have a love for God that amazes me.  They still miss Daddy, but they are learning to trust God, learning better than I am, I dare say.

I stand in awe of what the LORD has allowed us to go through since then.
There has been many more tears and desperate cries since that cold February night.
Many fears overwhelming us, many emotional wounds, many unthinkable events....
The LORD allowed each one and HE sustained us through each one.
I stand in awe.

I also humbly fall on my knees when HE gives me a glimpse of what He didn't allow.
When I am shown what He kept us from, when I realize that even the pain He did allow He limited.  I cry tears of gratitude again for His mercy.

7 years......those words bring awe, fear, and encouragement. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday when the police car pulled in our driveway and my heart stopped beating. I never thought I could live this long with out my beloved.....  It is frightening how much I have forgotten, how much my life with my beloved is like a wonderful, but distant dream. It is encouraging and strengthening to recall how the LORD provided and protected and guided us through these 7 years.

I don't know what lies ahead.  But I know my LORD is already there.  He has a plan.  I just need to listen and keep my eyes on HIM.  And to never forget how tenderly loving He is.  How He understands each tear and understands me like no one else does.

He loves me more than I could ever imagine. 
And He loves those that I love even more than I do.
For He IS love.

1 comment:

Rachel Beran said...

Beautiful, Christine! Thanks for sharing the hope you have in christ!