June 22, 2010

Father's Day #5

This was our 5th time of Father's Day without Daddy here.
It was filled with much activity and fun. Quiet reflections and at times clouds of sadness.
I have added much to this blog tonight and so I will give the nutshell version of our day:

We had morning devotions of God being our Heavenly Father, a Father to the fatherless, a Father to all, and an everlasting Father.
The boys road the church bus to church and we ate breakfast there.
Amazing sermon! (More on that in future post)
Boys wanted to do Daddy's tradition of cheese sticks after morning worship, then we went to where he would sometimes eat his lunch and read his Bible on days he worked.
We travel to a park they visited when I was away and walked a trail in the woods.
We had some orneriness, some ugliness, some sadness, and some joy.
We stopped at the roadside memorial and Snapp's bookmark is still there! It is very faded, but the words I LOVE YOU, DADDY! can boldly be seen. Snapp was thrilled.
We fell asleep exhausted, glad to be home, yet a linger feeling someone is missing.

After shocks are hitting.
Snipp told me tonight, "I feel like I am strapped to a metal table and missing daddy is like a hammer squashing down on me." Now there is a description of grief most books don't say!
P. S. This is the same son who described Christmas as a dinosaur chasing him and he felt like a little lamb. I love how kids can describe such emotions in such creative ways.

June 21, 2010


In countless ways the Lord protected me this past weekend. I would like to just share the instance that stands out the most in my mind.

I had left the conference and was traveling to a friend's home. As I journeyed, the sky was full of strange and scary clouds to the south and a wall of dark grey to the east. I called family and waited for their return call for a weather update. I approached the town that had the awful looking clouds over it, then turned east. As I drove on, Jim's mom called back and informed me that the town I had just gone through had a tornado warning going on! My friend had contacted me as well and she was down in a basement due to the weather they had been having. The storm that was now in front of me look more ominous! If I drove 55mph, it would rain big splats on my windshield, if I traveled at 50mph, it didn't. This kept up the whole way to my friend's home! So I took my time to allow the storm to go ahead of me. As I finally turned on my friend's road, I looked at the sky that had been behind me and over me. There was a clear break in the middle of the clouds right over the highway!! God's divine protection!! And as I pulled into her driveway, I saw beautiful sunbeams bursting through the clouds. Just precious!

Peace That Passeth Understanding

Recently, I left my children in the hands of dear friends and we spent the next 39hrs apart as I went to our state's homeschool conference. This might sound like no big deal to some of you. But to me it was huge, and healing.

You see, before I knew my husband had died, I placed him in God's hands and trusted God to bring him safely home. God said no and took him to his Home, Heaven. So the devil likes to tell me this lie "You trusted God with Jim and look what happened. Don't trust him with your kids. You will lose them too." So the fact I could drive away and not feel anxious was truly God's peace.

When the speaker was interrupted at the conference that we were in a tornado warning and must stay in the room, I knew I was where I was suppose to be no matter what He allowed to happen.

When I went to bed that night with no children to check on and hug and pray with, I felt peace. Great peace as if they were with my own husband. I knew they were in the Mighty Hands of God. I missed them, but His peace was great upon me.

His peace is such a wonderful blessing. Whenever I lose it, great fear comes upon me. It might come slowly at first, but if I fail to run to Jesus, that fear will pounce upon me like a mountain lion. His peace is the opposite. It is like a boat that just rises with the waves or an eagle that soars higher with the wind. It is truly pass my understanding, yet it is within my grasp. Peace....God says in Isaiah that He is an Everlasting Father and a Prince of Peace.

When you trust Him as your Everlasting Father,
When you let him rule.......He is your Prince of Peace!!

No Fear

In one single weekend God stretched me and taught me much. I hope to share these things in the next three posts.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy1:7

My son's former Sunday School teacher taught him this verse by making it into a song. Recently as I prepared the boys to be staying with weekend apart from me, we sang this song during our family devotions that we talked about fear. I also shared my notes I took from a recent sermon our preacher preached again about fear. I stressed that whenever we feel afraid that is our signal to Run to Jesus in prayer.

I intended this to be a lesson for them as I figured at some point they would miss me and feel afraid. Little did I know God was going to give me a pop quiz. I should have known, but I was surprised when as I drove down to the homeschool conference that God changed my plans on me. Once again He caused me to not depend on another, but to depend on Him. As the fear began to grow in me, I called out to Him as I had been drilling my boys to do. And He calmed my fears. Psalm 34:4 says He would deliver me from my fears and He did.

As I found my way downtown in our state's biggest city

As I got off the shuttle in the wrong place

As the conference was interrupted by tornado warnings

As I road the crowded shuttle back

As the storm clouds billowed up around me as I drove

As I walked alone in the parking garage

and many other little moments..............................

when fear rose its ugly head I squelched it with prayer. And on a few occasions with the song my son's teacher had taught him.

Words of Life to Me

This morning as I was reading Snapp his Bible, these words caught my eye in Acts 9: 31 ....and walking in the fear of the Lord, and in the comfort of the Holy Ghost...
I had to underline them in my own Bible and share it with friends. My daily goal and aim.....

a how to focus on my Jesus....

walking= action, I must do

fear of the Lord=fear any sin coming between us, departing from evil

in the comfort= I will be surrounded, immersed in comfort

of the Holy Ghost=comfort that gives comfort not understood by this world, His Presence that reminds us He is near and at work around us

May you, dear reader, too walk in the fear of the Lord, and in the comfort of the Holy Ghost.

June 15, 2010

Silly Pup

Ever since we had a plane fly very close to our barn, our chocolate lab barks at planes, jets, and thunder. About 4am this morning, he was barking at the thunder as a storm rolled in and he was running off the porch to tell that thunder what for. Silly pup! Yet I thought how often are we like that with God. We bark at him our displeasure over His working, His sending a trial, or discomfort or pain and bark in vain.

Our other dog is more like I should be, how we should be. She puts her ears back and walks submissively in the rain. When the thunder rumbles too loud she scoots off the porch and goes under it.

Submission is always better than defiance. To fear God is better than to try to chase Him away with our words.

June 11, 2010

Isaiah 30

Some verses that spoke to me today:

Isaiah 30
1Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me;

7For the Egyptians shall help in vain, and to no purpose: therefore have I cried concerning this, Their strength is to sit still.

15For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.

18And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him.

19For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem: thou shalt weep no more: he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee.

21And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.

June 09, 2010

The Rebuke

This is not the kind of post I enjoy writing. Chastisment is never enjoyable, yet is always needful, especially when we stray from God's ways. Recently in Ladies Bible study we have been learning about the languages of apology. With that comes unplanned moments of doing wrong to have opportunities to practice what we have learned. Yesterday I had one such moment.

They say "Confession is good for the soul; bad for the reputation." Yet God says "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

I am deeply ashamed to admit it; I lost it. My patience and my temper that is. I got in the flesh and let my words fly. Death words, my preacher calls them. Words that are not ministering grace unto the hearers. I felt totally justified at the moment and totally grieved and smitten after the Lord's rebuke. I fled outside to vent to the Lord and get back what I knew I had lost. After I had my say, my Lord smote me with these words, "Who are you to speak to MY child like that?" Yikes!!!! The fear of the Lord trembled through me. Yet He is so right. So very right. My children are not my own, how many times have I given them over to Him? He created them. They are His. Deep sorrow and repentance swept over me. Tears burned hot salty trails down my cheeks. And I thought about the damage I had done. Sharp words are deadly and wounding. They echoe in the heart even years later, I personally know this. Yet I had been the inflictor. Shamefully, I confessed my grievous sins to my Lord. I had just gave the devil ammunition. And at any time he will use my words to shoot at this child. There is nothing I can do to take them back. All I can do is now is nurture my relationship with him and train the little warrior so he will be ready and armed when those bullets fly at him.

I am so thankful this child is so forgiving. I am so thankful that my God is too. This child's love language is touch. So it is vital to him in an apology to have those hugs. We headed to our favorite spot, the porch swing where we sat and talked. I didn't hid my tears and he hugged me tight. I held him tight and apologized, and I tried mightily to bandaged up those wounds. I know it will take awhile to heal and I am praying mightily that he stands strong when the devil throws them at him again. And just as mightily I am praying "Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips."

June 04, 2010

Letting the Peace of God Reign

Colossians 3:15And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.

Let the Peace of God Reign
Grief Share Day 138

Are you letting God's peace reign in your life? Every time something else threatens to take over your life—unwelcome thoughts or emotions—grasp onto His peace and rely on His eternal promises."There's a verse in Colossians that says, 'Let His peace reign in Your heart,'" says Ruth, whose husband died. "Every time I realized I wasn't letting it reign, I would just grab back onto what the Lord had told me and let it reign." It is truly possible to let peace rule your life.

Lord Jesus, I want to let Your peace take the throne of my life. Amen.

June 01, 2010

Lead Me to The Rock

Psalm 61
1Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
2From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed:
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.
4I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah.

This is a rock in a farmer's field not far from our home. It is truly higher than I though the picture doesn't do it justice.

Many times I run to the Rock that is higher than I when I am overwhelmed. Jesus is the Rock of my Salvation. How about you?

Sweet Dream

I had a dream the other night about Jim. This is rare. The last dream I had with him in it was over 6 months ago and I woke up crying. This time I woke up with a smile and sweet peace filling my soul. It was a precious gift from God. The memory of it will be treasured and I can still hear his words echoing in my heart, "I am proud of you for facing your fears."

I woke up feeling like his bride again, I woke up feeling giddy and dreamy. When I looked at his pictures I felt emotions again, love and joy, peace and contentment. How long has it been that looking at his pictures made me feel numb.......weeks? months? a year? I don't know, but I know that it is gone, the numbness is melted away and there is a loving tenderness again that has been missing. I gaze at his picture and I feel his gaze touching my soul again. And can't help but smile.

He could always make me smile, no matter how upset or angry I was, Jim had a way of making me smile. Praise the Lord his picture and his memory can still do that. Because I know that I don't smile near as much as I used to. And alot of the smiles I do smile, don't go down to the bottom of my toes like they used to. I know it, I feel the difference...........

Anyway, what a precious dream.

The Outpouring

Break up thou fallow ground
Jeremiah 4:3 For thus saith the LORD to the men of Judah and Jerusalem, Break up your fallow ground, and sow not among thorns.

Hosea 10: 12 Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.

I read these verses that evening before I watched a movie. They stood out to me strongly and I wondered what the Lord was trying to say. I was about to get a glimpse of it a couple hours later.

The movie was done. Tears continued to stream down my face. Why? It was more than just parts of the movie that had triggered emotions. A storm was brewing within me and I had to get away. I escaped outside. Grief welded up within me. I knew it was going to be a great outpouring; I could feel the deep agony rising within me. I sought a place that would squelch my cries; I didn't want any children to witness their mother in such a state.

Then it happened. The great outpouring. God split me wide open and I puked emotionally. Moaning, wailing, sobbing and sobbing. So much emotional pain from the depths of my soul that it was physical. A cry that came from the depths of my soul and that I couldn't squelch or stop. It bursted forth from my lips like a woman in travail with child.

Several times I picked up the phone to text or call someone, and each time I felt the answer was no. It would be a way to escape, just God and me on this one. Why now? Why after all this time? Had I really hardened a part of me? Was there fallow ground that needed broken up?Was there sin I had buried so deep that I denied it was there? What was God trying to show me? Teach me? I still don't know all there is to this yet.

The only thoughts that came later as the Comforter comforted me was that God had taken me back to when I was first told of Jim's death and all the grief and pain of that moment came back. At that moment, I had handled it as I hoped I would have quiet strength and prayer, I didn't sink to the floor in a crumble and mourn my beloved. Now I did what I really felt within me at that moment and had stuffed. Now I sank in deep despair and deep mourning. So deep I feared it wouldn't end. So blinding and phyically real was the emotional pain all I could do was wail and cry out to God. How long I sobbed only He knows, Time seemed gone. I couldn't think, only feel the depth of my anguish that my beloved was gone, never to return to my arms, never to hear his voice, never to take refuge in his embrace, never to see those intense eyes that understood my soul.......I always thought if.......if he died before me.......I would be there to hold him when he left this world for Heaven. But God said no and reminded me that Jim wasn't alone......Jesus was with him. He wasn't alone. Comfort........

There is much I don't understand about this, but this much I know. Something is different. I don't know all those cries and groans communicated to God. But I feel like something has been made ready for planting in me. Jim's pictures breath life in me again. And I feel a love deep down to my toes:) and I await to see what God is going to plant and bring forth to yield.