June 01, 2010

The Outpouring

Break up thou fallow ground
Jeremiah 4:3 For thus saith the LORD to the men of Judah and Jerusalem, Break up your fallow ground, and sow not among thorns.

Hosea 10: 12 Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.

I read these verses that evening before I watched a movie. They stood out to me strongly and I wondered what the Lord was trying to say. I was about to get a glimpse of it a couple hours later.

The movie was done. Tears continued to stream down my face. Why? It was more than just parts of the movie that had triggered emotions. A storm was brewing within me and I had to get away. I escaped outside. Grief welded up within me. I knew it was going to be a great outpouring; I could feel the deep agony rising within me. I sought a place that would squelch my cries; I didn't want any children to witness their mother in such a state.

Then it happened. The great outpouring. God split me wide open and I puked emotionally. Moaning, wailing, sobbing and sobbing. So much emotional pain from the depths of my soul that it was physical. A cry that came from the depths of my soul and that I couldn't squelch or stop. It bursted forth from my lips like a woman in travail with child.

Several times I picked up the phone to text or call someone, and each time I felt the answer was no. It would be a way to escape, just God and me on this one. Why now? Why after all this time? Had I really hardened a part of me? Was there fallow ground that needed broken up?Was there sin I had buried so deep that I denied it was there? What was God trying to show me? Teach me? I still don't know all there is to this yet.

The only thoughts that came later as the Comforter comforted me was that God had taken me back to when I was first told of Jim's death and all the grief and pain of that moment came back. At that moment, I had handled it as I hoped I would have quiet strength and prayer, I didn't sink to the floor in a crumble and mourn my beloved. Now I did what I really felt within me at that moment and had stuffed. Now I sank in deep despair and deep mourning. So deep I feared it wouldn't end. So blinding and phyically real was the emotional pain all I could do was wail and cry out to God. How long I sobbed only He knows, Time seemed gone. I couldn't think, only feel the depth of my anguish that my beloved was gone, never to return to my arms, never to hear his voice, never to take refuge in his embrace, never to see those intense eyes that understood my soul.......I always thought if.......if he died before me.......I would be there to hold him when he left this world for Heaven. But God said no and reminded me that Jim wasn't alone......Jesus was with him. He wasn't alone. Comfort........

There is much I don't understand about this, but this much I know. Something is different. I don't know all those cries and groans communicated to God. But I feel like something has been made ready for planting in me. Jim's pictures breath life in me again. And I feel a love deep down to my toes:) and I await to see what God is going to plant and bring forth to yield.

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