May 12, 2015

God Be With You, till I Post Again

It will be 10yrs this coming birthday when my LORD spoke to my heart,
"I love you more than you will ever understand, and I said this is best."

I find my need to write and post is greatly dwindling. 
Not because my LORD isn't moving and working in my life,
but because HE IS. He is working so abundantly that my computer time is extremely limited.

I pour myself and focus into other things, though it has been a treasure and therapy to blog. 
I hope to get back to blogging more faithfully.  But I know in my heart it won't be for awhile.
Maybe a long while. 

So to all who browse here, I encourage you to go back to 2008 when I began posting.
It was just 2 yrs after my husband died.  My heart was still raw and healing was slow.
I think the boys were 7, 4, and 2!!

It has been quite a journey. Many things besides parenting and grief were blogged. 
But the overwhelming theme is this: Christ Jesus is Real and Christ Jesus is Enough.

"Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive; and let thy widows trust in me." Jeremiah 49:11

"Place them in my hand, my child.  Release your children to ME.  I will preserve them alive.  I promise.  And you shall learn to trust in ME."

Yes, LORD, when I let go of who I fear losing, you allow me to develop a trust in You that is like super glue. And LORD, who ever stops by and reads this blog, may they believe upon You for salvation and may they grow mightily in You as they see Your fingerprints in our lives.

Colossians 1:18b   ......that in all things he might have the preeminence.


February 09, 2015


So once again I was at prayer meeting.
Pouring my heart about many burdens.
Again I felt God telling me to verbally thank Him out loud for taking Jim.
Surrender, yield.......I want to do that to my Lord.
Yet I found the words stuck in my throat and without realizing it I began shaking my head.
But I wanted to say it. I needed to say it..........
More shaking of the head and tears overflowed.
My throat grew tight.
He was asking me to say what I knew I needed to. 
But for what seemed like a forever moment all I could do was look down and shake my head.

I took deep breaths and forced my voice to speak.
"Thank You for taking Jim........................
(many tears poured down my face, I took a breath and continued)
"cuz' I wouldn't know You like I do...."

I don't remember what else I said.
I finished and a brother-in-the-Lord gave me a box of Kleenex.
I felt the Lord Himself had given them to me.
Now that He had me dealt with me spiritually,
He was taking care of my physically.
And yet I also became aware of others around me again.
Because when I was battling surrendering and speaking those words,
everyone disappeared to me.  It was like God and I were alone.

After awhile, while others prayed, I felt my Heavenly Father beckoning me to go to a special place.
It is where I feel like I am a little girl again and am being held in my Eternal Father's arms.
I went to that spot and just let the tears flowed.

My pastor walked by me and gently patted me.
A gesture of care. Simple and yet I felt like My Eternal Father was patting my back.
Like Jim used to with the boys......
I could hear him say, " It's okay. God's got ya! It's okay."
More tears slipped down my face.
I leaned my head against the organ and just rested in my Heavenly Father's arms.
A little while later another brother-in-the-Lord gave me a Kleenex.
The tears were close to stopping.

But it was again like the Lord was speaking to my heart.
"Now that we got our business done on that, it is time for you to weep for someone else.

January 29, 2015

Revive Me

Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.
My pastor preached Sunday about Revival.  He quoted a man who said, "Go home, draw a circle around yourself, and ask God to revive everything inside that circle."  During invitation, I knelt at the pew I was in.  I was the only one in that pew and I felt God so close to me. 

As I prayed for God to revive me, I felt Him speak to my heart to obey what He had told me to do.  I had to think for a moment, but then I knew what He was talking about.  Two weeks ago during prayer meeting I was praying out loud, I was about to say "Thank You for this church family." But as I said thank you, I felt God prick my heart to say Thank you for taking Jim..............well I didn't. It was such a private thing to say in front of others. It is such a difficult thing to think let alone verbalize. So I caught my breath and then just thanked God for my church family. 

So Sunday I knew what I was suppose to do. So verbally out loud I told God thank You for taking Jim. Then the wave of tears came and I wept. The tears were of mixed emotions: grief, gratefulness, humility, brokenness.  Without Jim in my life, I have pursued Christ in a way I never did when Jim was here. 

I still miss Jim so much.  Even in typing those words, tears come yet again. A part of me became crippled when he left my side.  But the Lord used that crippling to draw me closer to His side. And draw others to Himself as well. There is so many ripples that God knew about that I didn't.

In Sunday School we have been studying about the miracles of Christ.  Time and time again He is healing people and GOD is glorified. But there are times, when the Lord allows people to be crippled either physically or deep within their soul so He is glorified.   The LORD continues to teach me how to thrive in Him.  To find my completeness in Him. But He also understands the grief in my heart that makes me walk with a limp in my soul.


  Psalms 138:3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

  Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

Psalms 138:8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.
These are the verses God shared with me as I read my Bible on Jim's birthday.  It is so hard to believe that it was nine years ago that Jim was fixing the van during the rain and sleet.  Nine years ago he
came in with ice covering his beard, ate supper and had cake with us.  He opened his presents of warm flannel shirts, tucked the boys into bed and then went back out to finish fixing the van. Nine years ago we decorated the dining room with streamers that would remain hanging up till after his death.

Tears bubbled on the surface of my churning emotions for half of the day.  They finally spilled over when we were watching home videos. But as the day went on, my strengthen within grew.  The boys and I had a good day together remembering, honoring, living.

January 15, 2015

LORD, I Come to You

I know it has been much, much too long since I wrote.
Life gets so busy as I balance all the hats in my life, and I find myself not having as much free time on the computer. Another reason is that there has been some heavy private prayers on my heart that others have shared with me.  And I find that when I am carrying things like that I tend to cocoon myself. Maybe it is so I don't accidentally share what I shouldn't, maybe because by being silent it helps me hold back the tears, maybe some of what God shares with me or what I share with Him is so sacred though I long to share it words just don't do it justice. Whatever the reason, I know it has been toooooooo long since I blogged and journaled. I enjoy writing and it is very therapeutic for me.  There has been several times in the few months when I thought, " I so need to blog this."  It has happened enough that I come to my computer when I should be asleep and find the release of words so healing.

Where to start?

Why today of course.  I went to the mailbox and there was a simple sweet note from a sister-in-Christ and a sister-in-sorrow.  "Praying this will be an encouragement to you today!" and  the following was with it:

Lord, I Come to You
Read: John 6:65-69

" Lord, I come to You," ad my heart is comforted already, just in coming.
my Saviour,
the Lord of my life, who knows, understands, and plans all for good, the One who has all the power I need for this hour.
"I come,"
so needy,
in my weakness and my inability,
with burdens pressing on my heart,
when my tongue cannot frame the words or utter my deep longings,
with tears of sorrow for my wretched failures, and needing forgiveness.
"To You,"
in trust, claiming Your promises,
in confidence, acknowledging that You know what You are doing in my life,
for comfort in the cares that fret and wear,
for strength to plod on faithfully and know this too shall pass.
"Lord, I Come to You," with gratitude that You are there.

I don't know who wrote this to give credit to at the moment.
But I know Who knew I needed it this day.
My Lord, my Best Friend, the Lover of my soul, my Jesus, my Saviour............
He knew and He had this come at just the right time.

LORD, I Come to YOU........