Surrender

So once again I was at prayer meeting.
Pouring my heart about many burdens.
Again I felt God telling me to verbally thank Him out loud for taking Jim.
Surrender, yield.......I want to do that to my Lord.
Yet I found the words stuck in my throat and without realizing it I began shaking my head.
But I wanted to say it. I needed to say it..........
More shaking of the head and tears overflowed.
My throat grew tight.
He was asking me to say what I knew I needed to. 
But for what seemed like a forever moment all I could do was look down and shake my head.


I took deep breaths and forced my voice to speak.
"Thank You for taking Jim........................
(many tears poured down my face, I took a breath and continued)
"cuz' I wouldn't know You like I do...."


I don't remember what else I said.
I finished and a brother-in-the-Lord gave me a box of Kleenex.
I felt the Lord Himself had given them to me.
Now that He had me dealt with me spiritually,
He was taking care of my physically.
And yet I also became aware of others around me again.
Because when I was battling surrendering and speaking those words,
everyone disappeared to me.  It was like God and I were alone.


After awhile, while others prayed, I felt my Heavenly Father beckoning me to go to a special place.
It is where I feel like I am a little girl again and am being held in my Eternal Father's arms.
I went to that spot and just let the tears flowed.


My pastor walked by me and gently patted me.
A gesture of care. Simple and yet I felt like My Eternal Father was patting my back.
Like Jim used to with the boys......
I could hear him say, " It's okay. God's got ya! It's okay."
More tears slipped down my face.
I leaned my head against the organ and just rested in my Heavenly Father's arms.
A little while later another brother-in-the-Lord gave me a Kleenex.
The tears were close to stopping.


But it was again like the Lord was speaking to my heart.
"Now that we got our business done on that, it is time for you to weep for someone else.

Revive Me

Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.
My pastor preached Sunday about Revival.  He quoted a man who said, "Go home, draw a circle around yourself, and ask God to revive everything inside that circle."  During invitation, I knelt at the pew I was in.  I was the only one in that pew and I felt God so close to me. 

As I prayed for God to revive me, I felt Him speak to my heart to obey what He had told me to do.  I had to think for a moment, but then I knew what He was talking about.  Two weeks ago during prayer meeting I was praying out loud, I was about to say "Thank You for this church family." But as I said thank you, I felt God prick my heart to say Thank you for taking Jim..............well I didn't. It was such a private thing to say in front of others. It is such a difficult thing to think let alone verbalize. So I caught my breath and then just thanked God for my church family. 

So Sunday I knew what I was suppose to do. So verbally out loud I told God thank You for taking Jim. Then the wave of tears came and I wept. The tears were of mixed emotions: grief, gratefulness, humility, brokenness.  Without Jim in my life, I have pursued Christ in a way I never did when Jim was here. 

I still miss Jim so much.  Even in typing those words, tears come yet again. A part of me became crippled when he left my side.  But the Lord used that crippling to draw me closer to His side. And draw others to Himself as well. There is so many ripples that God knew about that I didn't.

In Sunday School we have been studying about the miracles of Christ.  Time and time again He is healing people and GOD is glorified. But there are times, when the Lord allows people to be crippled either physically or deep within their soul so He is glorified.   The LORD continues to teach me how to thrive in Him.  To find my completeness in Him. But He also understands the grief in my heart that makes me walk with a limp in my soul.

Strength

  Psalms 138:3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

  Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

Psalms 138:8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.
These are the verses God shared with me as I read my Bible on Jim's birthday.  It is so hard to believe that it was nine years ago that Jim was fixing the van during the rain and sleet.  Nine years ago he
came in with ice covering his beard, ate supper and had cake with us.  He opened his presents of warm flannel shirts, tucked the boys into bed and then went back out to finish fixing the van. Nine years ago we decorated the dining room with streamers that would remain hanging up till after his death.

Tears bubbled on the surface of my churning emotions for half of the day.  They finally spilled over when we were watching home videos. But as the day went on, my strengthen within grew.  The boys and I had a good day together remembering, honoring, living.

LORD, I Come to You

I know it has been much, much too long since I wrote.
Life gets so busy as I balance all the hats in my life, and I find myself not having as much free time on the computer. Another reason is that there has been some heavy private prayers on my heart that others have shared with me.  And I find that when I am carrying things like that I tend to cocoon myself. Maybe it is so I don't accidentally share what I shouldn't, maybe because by being silent it helps me hold back the tears, maybe some of what God shares with me or what I share with Him is so sacred though I long to share it words just don't do it justice. Whatever the reason, I know it has been toooooooo long since I blogged and journaled. I enjoy writing and it is very therapeutic for me.  There has been several times in the few months when I thought, " I so need to blog this."  It has happened enough that I come to my computer when I should be asleep and find the release of words so healing.




Where to start?


Why today of course.  I went to the mailbox and there was a simple sweet note from a sister-in-Christ and a sister-in-sorrow.  "Praying this will be an encouragement to you today!" and  the following was with it:




Lord, I Come to You
Read: John 6:65-69


" Lord, I come to You," ad my heart is comforted already, just in coming.
"Lord,"
my Saviour,
the Lord of my life, who knows, understands, and plans all for good, the One who has all the power I need for this hour.
"I come,"
so needy,
in my weakness and my inability,
with burdens pressing on my heart,
when my tongue cannot frame the words or utter my deep longings,
with tears of sorrow for my wretched failures, and needing forgiveness.
"To You,"
in trust, claiming Your promises,
in confidence, acknowledging that You know what You are doing in my life,
for comfort in the cares that fret and wear,
for strength to plod on faithfully and know this too shall pass.
"Lord, I Come to You," with gratitude that You are there.




I don't know who wrote this to give credit to at the moment.
But I know Who knew I needed it this day.
My Lord, my Best Friend, the Lover of my soul, my Jesus, my Saviour............
He knew and He had this come at just the right time.


LORD, I Come to YOU........

Silent but God is Very Busy

I have been silent on this blog for over 6wks but God has been very busy.
We finished up our homeschooling year and have been busy with yard work, house work, time with extended family, ministries, and various other things.

But just like when God seems silent, He is still busy;
when this blog is silent, God is still busy.
He has answered so many prayers this past several weeks. 
And I just stand in awe of His work in my family and the lives of others.

One of my goals this year is to study the fruit of the spirit more closely. In June I focused on LOVE.
The verse that stood out the most to me was "Charity is longsuffering and kind..." In application to my heart this was Love suffers long and is still kind. It isn't easy to be kind when God has allowedyou to suffer, but we can do all things through Christ.

Snipp has decided to work in the Bus Ministry as well as be a helper at Kids' Camp.
I love to hear him pray; and he's read through the Bible twice this year.  He is heading into 8th grade and is looking me in the eyes these days. He goes to youth camp soon and I look forward to the work the LORD will do there.


Snapp has battled mono this spring and we rejoice in God's healing. We saw a lot of wildlife in our own backyard and I love to see how Snapp reconizes God at work.  He is looking forward to camp and has such a tender heart to the Holy Spirit. I love hearing him sing to the LORD.

Snurr is tender one moment and rambuncious the next. Just this last Sunday after a sermon on the Christian home, speaking mostly on the roles of the husband and wife, Snipp rubs my back during invitation and says, "I think this sermon is good for widows too."  Then as tears start to come to my eyes, he looks at my face and says he's sorry for the way he's been disrespecting me.  Here I thought he was getting nothing out of the sermon. Just precious and the tears flowed down my face and dropped on my shoes.

There is much more I could write about but this is a snap shot of what God has been busy doing in my silence on this blog.

Have a Happy Independence Day!

 

      And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
   If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. John 8:32,36

 

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1

I Want That Mountain Part 2

So last weeks lesson was on conquering the mountain of Attitude.
Oh, wow, did God prepare me for this one.
From having a day were everything seemed to go wrong and me having a bad attitude about it, to kids with attitudes, to students with attitudes right before I began the lesson, I am thoroughly convinced attitude is something we work on constantly to keep in right.

I heard John Bishop speak and he said, "God is always good; God is always right."  There is truth to that statement.  Psalm 119:68 Thou art good and doest good....

So to keep a good attitude we need to remember God will make everything work out for good. 


This week's lesson is on conquering anger.
After eating humble pie last week, I thought this week would be easier.
But God has a way of making sure I learn the lesson before I teach it.
Anger is probably one of the biggest mountains to conquer.
And I know I am not alone when I say, I struggle with this.
Other people don't met our expectations and we get angry.
That isn't right.  But what is just as serious is many of us are walking around
angry at God and we don't admit it.
Pain happens in this life; this life never promised to be fair.
But we have expectations and we have our idea of how things should be.
When God orchestrates different, we get angry.

It took me a long time to admit I was angry at God for allowing my husband to not live longer on this earth.  I was angry that he wasn't here for me and the children.  I was angry that God took Jim sooner than I was willing to let him go. I remember the day before our third son was born.  I was an emotional mess.  I woke up having contractions and told my midwife stubbornly that I didn't want to have this child without Jim. Then we discovered I had a lot of water in my basement.  I stormed upstairs. My bewildered parents and sister-in-law stared at me as I shouted, "I'm going to talk to my dead husband!!" I hurried down the steps and headed to his grave.  And there I sobbed and sobbed saying, "You are suppose to be here for this!!!!"  I was so angry Jim wasn't here.  After a lot of tears, I went back inside and told everyone I was ok.  My dad dealt with the basement and my contractions stop.  My poor body probably decided it wasn't safe for the little fellow to be born yet.  Everything turned out ok.  My dad got the water pumped out and after I got the other boys asleep, I talked to the LORD once again.  "Ok, if we are going to do this, let's do it" In the early morning hours, my third son was born.  And I exited the black hole of grief, and entered a different chapter of single mom with three boys.  But emotionally I was kicking and screaming about it  on the inside as loudly as my newborn was on the outside.  I felt cheated.

Many, many difficult things have happened since then.  And God spoke to my heart twice on this.
Once was on my first birthday without Jim.  He simply told me this was best and he loved me and my boys more than I will ever understand.  The other time was in more recent years, when I said once again, "Jim is suppose to be here for this."  And God simply whispered to my heart, "No, he isn't."
Smack!  God's 2x4 cushioned with love smacked my heart and mind.  That is true.  God's plan was for Jim to not be here; it is what is best.  God is all wise and all loving.  He has a plan.  Not just a good plan, but the best plan.

So anger is a big mountain to conquer.  It requires focusing on God and who He is and letting go of what I think I am entitled to.  It is letting go of expectations and trust God to do what is best for me and mine.

Peace

After the grief waves, come peace........................

A sweet peace that is impossible to put into words.

It is like having your heart wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket fresh from the dryer.

Storms still crash around, troubles lay unsolved, children still demand attention and patience....

But within is a peace that passes all understanding.......

  Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
 Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Clinging

That's how I feel right now.

"Be not afraid, only believe"  the LORD said in Mark 5:36

Grief swirls around me along with many other emotions.

Many things are happening in the lives of others around me.

I feel overwhelmed.

So I cling..........

To the only ONE who can hold me through it all

Christ Jesus

Thanksgiving Chair

What a powerful video! How often I forget.......In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Please watch and then go sit in your own thanksgiving chair.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6znqpPaYzM4

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Sun Shining on Your Soul

Little Snurr came into my room late last night.
He couldn't sleep.  He had a lot on his mind. So we prayed, me silently and him out loud.
How precious it is to listen to a child pray when they are pouring out their heart for others.
A cherished young girl we know is in the hospital, doctors are battling bacterial meningitis to try to save her life.  Each morning this son asks me if she has lived through another night.

So last night, once again he asked God to help her live another night, to lower the pressure in her brain and to keep it down.  He prayed for a man who he overheard saying that today was the anniversary of the day his son died by suicide. He prayed for his grandma who has throat issues so she could eat and swallow chicken again.  He prayed for uncles and cousins to be saved.  He prayed his little heart out. 

After a long pause, my 7yr old said, "Mom, I feel such peace inside."  After more silence he said it was fading a little.  We talked about being in the presence of God is like being in a throne room before God.  And how it is a special place.  I told him how just like we feel sunshine on our skin and it warms us, being in God's presence is like having the sun shine on our soul.  When we step in the shade we still feel warm for a little while then in fades.  It is like that when we step back from being very close to God's presence in prayer. 

Our talk turned to other things, especially the man whose son died.  Snurr went on to explain to me how when someone dies a part of your love for them has to die or you will do crazy things like want to die to be with them or try to crawl in their coffin.  He reassured me that part of your love that was spiritual will keep loving them then.  I can't remember all he said but through his conversation I could tell God has been working on his heart, accepting that his own father's death has a purpose for good and that a part of healing is not staying so attached to him that you want to die, but that you want to live.

Thank you, Lord, for speaking to my son's heart in a way only he would understand.
And thank you for letting us come before your throne and hearing our prayers.  Thank you for sunshine in our soul, for your peace that passeth all understanding.

The Four Lands of Sorrow

A young widow friend shared this on her blog:

Sorrow can lead us into one of four lands:

the Barren land in which we try to escape from it,

the Broken land is which we sink under it,

the Bitter land in which we resent it,

or the Better land in which we bear it and become a blessing to others.

What a truth!

 

It was in a special Daily Bread on grief.

Snurr's Lessons

As Snurr settled down for bed we reviewed lessons he had learned that day:

• Liquid soap is awesome at getting copper pipe to slide off your finger that didn't belong there in the first place.
• Messes take seconds to make and hours to clean up.
• Locking someone in the pump house or a room is just like kidnapping.
• Obey Mom the first time.
• Sometimes lost dogs come home on their own; and only God knows of their adventures.

As I left his room, I encouraged him to talk to God about things he did wrong that day and share about what he learned. A little while later, I heard the mumbled voice cry out, "Why? God, Why?"  As I listened, my youngest was pouring out his heart to Jesus about his daddy.......I walked in his room and just held him as he sobbed.  My tears joined him as he said, "It never hurt like this before." I have walked this road with his brothers; it isn't an easy one.  He has grown more in understanding so it is natural for the grief to go to a deeper level.

We talked about many things, I then shared with him how I used to pray for the Great Comforter to come and hold me all night when I hurt so much missing Daddy.  I told him how God was faithful and He did it, many, many times.  We hugged and I prayed over him, gave him a Daddy pillow to hug and wrapped him up in my favorite blanket.  Soon sleep came for Snurr.

My heart was heavy and my ache was raw again.  This is the hardest part of being a widow, feeling helpless as your children grieve their father.   I know the LORD loves Snurr more than I do and I know He promised to heal him.  But us moms get used to being able to fix all the hurts or shield our children from them to begin with.  Grief is a hurt that is so deep and so personal, all I can do is try to help him express his grief in a healthy ways and pray intensely for healing.

Burdens like this are too heavy for one woman.  I poured out my own heart to the LORD.  Then I shared my aching heart with some late-night praying sisters. Their prayers, words, and understanding were comforting.  One encouraged me to pray Jeremiah 29:11-13 with and for Snurr.  What sweet verses:   

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.  And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. 

This morning Snurr was in the same position he was when I last checked on him the night before.  He slept soundly all night.  Thank You, Jesus!  I told him about wanting to share some verses that a friend had shared with me.  I flipped to Jeremiah 49 by mistake and read verse 11: Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive; and let thy widows trust in me.

Isn't that a widow's fear?  That the grief will destroy the children.  That the enemy will use it to pull them from God.  The Lord will preserve the fatherless children.....AMEN!!!  Let thy widows trust in GOD.....isn't that what we learn to do with these grieving children?  Carry them to the altar and lay them in His arms, then pray and wait for healing to come. And it will come.  The Lord promised:
 Psalms 147:3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

After I read Jeremiah 49:11, we smiled how God can use a mistake of mine to be exactly what we both needed to hear.  Then I went back to Jeremiah 29:11-13.  We discussed what it meant then I prayed it over him.  Later, I heard Snurr tell his brothers that the verses in Jeremiah brought him comfort and peace.  AMEN!!  God's Word is very much alive and at work.

Another lesson for Snurr.  A very, very important one.

 

It's Back.

Ever feel like your grief is choking you? Some people say they get lumps in their throats. That isn't what it feel like to me. It feels like it hurts to talk or breathe. Gives a real understanding to the phrase "choked up". Well, tonight it hit.

Maybe because Father's Day is coming soon.
Maybe because my oldest has entered youth group and that signals that the rough waters of teenager are coming fast.
Maybe because my youngest was crying tonight because he hurts not having any memory of his dad, not ever having met him.
Maybe because my middleman looks at me a certain way and he looks so much like his dad.
Maybe because being a widow, a singlemom, and a homeschool mom is just a lot somedays.
I don't know......there are countless little things that can add up to a grief wave or just one thing in particular.

Either way, tonight the floodgates broke, tears ran like rivers once again, and the old sensation of wanting to cry out and feeling choked instead come. I tried to voice it all to God, much of it wouldn't come out.

But as always after the tears, the comfort comes.
A peace that passes all understanding.
A reassurance of God's presence and tender care.
And as I remembered all the promises and how God has kept each one,
even more peace surrounds me.
So once again, I ask for Him to hold me all night long.
Till morning comes with new mercy and hope.
And I know HE will because He held me up through so much already.

I just stand amazed sometimes about how deep my grief can be,
even almost 7 and a half years later. It is a strong reminder to be sensative to others grieving.
We just don't know what they maybe dealing with, no matter how long their loved one has been gone.

I didn't go back and repolish this post.
I've decided to leave it, as raw and open as it is.
And with this final thought: God is faithful, no matter how much it hurts!

Toothpicks

Years ago toothpicks were just something to pick up cheese or pieces of cantalope with. 

Then came the day I stepped on one in my bare feet.  It had been accidentally dropped and was stuck in thc carpet. I didn't see it, and it was at the perfect angle to jab deep into my foot.  The pain was horrible and it made my stomach roll seeing it sticking out of the bottom of my foot.  After it was removed, I hobbled around for days and I was very cautious about where my bare feet were. 

Fastforward several years:
At the funeral home memory table, I had a container with toothpicks.  For my beloved often had a tooth pick in his mouth, to pick his teeth with, to chew on, to play with with his fingers...  When we were dating he even added a wooden toothpick holder to my elephant collection! 

 And now whenever I see a toothpick, I smile and think of my beloved.  Unless my children have them scattered across the floor, then the old painful memory of a sore foot comes to mind. 

It is interesting how because of our experience, how a simple item like a toothpick can bring back painful or sweet memories.  It all depends on how we want to look at it.  The interesting thing is our minds cannot think of both memories at once.  So we choose.  Sometimes we let our minds wander.  Sometimes we conciously choose which one we meditate on. 

It is kind of like it depends it you hold a toothpick by the middle or the tip.  Roll it smoothly between your thumb and finger or poke yourself with it.  We choose.  Let us also remember we choose what we want to think upon.

Philippians 4:7-8
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.    Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

2 Corinthians 10:5
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

"It is Finished."

Well, I shared before that we had some "evidence" that needed gotten rid of.
Resurrection Sunday we went to my brother's place and said good-bye to Jim's truck.
Some of you are probably going "Huh??"

7 years ago several weeks after Jim died I asked my brother if he would take Jim's truck out to his place.  It was sitting in a towing company's storage shed costing us money, but I wasn't sure what to do with it.  Again some of you maybe wondering why I didn't just junk it.

Simply put Jim died in that truck.
It was our last connection to him.

Snipp wanted it to complete it's journey home.
I didn't want it in my yard, but I wasn't read to say good-bye yet.

I wanted to touch the seat that had held my beloved when he left this earth.
My brother gave Snipp a center cap from the truck to suffice him for awhile.

He treasures it.

Snapp got older and wanted a center cap too.
He didn't know if he wanted it coming to our place.

Snurr grew and began to ask questions.
I asked my brother if there was one more center cap.
There was.  So now all three boys have a center cap with the Dodge Ram on it.

But the truck itself still sat. 
Then came the sermon I mentioned in an earlier post:
"Get rid of the evidence."
God laid it on my heart that it was time to junk the truck.
Stop keeping it; let it go.
It was our last connection to Jim.
But it was also a vivid reminder of the trama that caused Jim's death.

I discussed it with the boys.
They were all ready to have it leave.
Snapp wondered what junk yard it would go to and if there was still
any good parts on it.
Snipp said he could care less where it went.
Snurr wasn't so sure about all this.

We went and saw it one last time.
It was smashed up, worse than it was after the accident.
Seven years in the elements and getting moved several times
had taken their toll.

The older boys walked around it. Snurr stood by my side for awhile.
Snipp was the first to be done and walk away.
No emotion.  It was just a pile of metal now.

Snapp still found some good parts then shrugged his shoulders.
He gave me a hug and walked to the house.

Snurr walked around it and around it.  Many emotions came to his face.
Wonderment, sadness, even a mischievious grin.
Finally he stood by me, raised his hand and gave a little wave.
Then he walked away, looking back at me every so often.

Alone with the truck. I walked closer and touched the headrest.
Images of what those last seconds were like came once again.........
The longing came again, wishing I could have held him as he left this world.

Then I heard the words my preacher had said in his message that morning,
"Why seek ye the living among the dead.......if you've had a love one die, they aren't dead.  They are very much alive!!!"  I was looking at a crushed up truck, like the women who went looking for Jesus' body. 

I closed my eyes and smiled. 
Jim is alive. Reigning with the King!!
I turned and walked away never looking back.

Grief Can Be Like That....

Yesterday was the first day of Spring!!!!
I woke up to the wind howling and it being 18 degrees!!!
There is not a robin to be found as we have several inches of snow and ice yet crusting the ground.
Will Spring ever come????

Yes, it is guaranteed to come.

Grief can be like this though....it seems like healing will never come,
that the pain will never go away,
that every time you turn around there is another memory
that knocks you down and brings you to tears.
Or maybe it is a dream that never will be....
But it all hurts,
A biting, consuming, overwhelming hurt ............

But healing does come.
Slow at first, but more as time goes by,
Sometimes the healing only comes after pressing through the pain,
sometimes it comes with just crying or writing. All of it comes from the touch of Jesus and spending time with HIM.  Clinging to Him and His promises.

So just as this cold wintry spring day will melt away eventually into a gorgeous day with flowers in bloom....

The grief pain melts away into an ache, a hope, a strength,
a peace, a purpose......

And one day you find that another wounded heart needs hope,
they need to know it too will heal. 
So you rip off your bandage and let the old wound weep a little.
But you go sit beside them on the road of grief.
And they let you walk with them,
because you know,
you have been there,
your tears speak a language they understand, and you can pray with understanding.

Every time I have done this, I find my heart bleeding some too. Within the first year of grief, I discovered that reaching out is healing for me also.  Whether I sent a card, gave a small gift, gave a hug, wrote an email or letter, gave a book, or visited,  it all was giving hope to another griever on this road. It is like the Lord gave me more hope as I gave hope to others.  As I encourage them to heal, I was healed more.  Every time I share my grief story, I find out how much I really have healed. I see better where each of the boys are on their journey of grief as well. Somewhere in the past 7 years, grief stopped being the enemy that  threatened to over take me.  Instead grief became a mutual friend that introduces me to others, and gives us a common bond. 

Grief can be like that too.

Giving Birth to a Manasseh

Genesis 41:51-52 And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father's house. And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction. Last year, I read a book that shared the above verses.  At that time, the word Ephraim, being fruitful in the land of my affliction, really touched my heart.  It gave me a longing.  That is what I wanted, to be fruitful after having such pain. Last night we had a visiting preacher preach out of those same verses.  He said, "Before you can ever give birth to a Ephraim, you must give birth to a Manasseh."  Before you can be fruitful from your tragedy or pain, you must do some forgetting and forgiving.  Oh, and as we know, the birth of a child is not easy or without pain, but what joy comes after it has been delivered. One of the stories he shared was about a poor wife who saved feed sacks to make a new dress.  She sewed it beautifully so she could wear a nice dress to look beautiful for her husband.  When she showed it to her husband, he mistakenly thought she had took the little money they had left and spent it on the dress.  He took it angrily and tore up.  She gathered up the shreds and put them in a bottom drawer.  But the marriage was in shreds too. She looked at it daily and became so bitter with her husband.  One day she heard a sermon on forgiving and forgetting.  She hurried home and took that torn dress she had put her heart into and put it in the wood stove.  Her husband caught her and when asked what she was doing she said, "I'm getting rid of the evidence." Healing came to her heart and healing came to their marriage that day. "Get rid of the evidence."  It is hard to forgive and forget when you keep hanging on.  Sometimes it isn't something you can touch.  Sometimes it is a memory that you dwell on.  Hurtful words or feeling abandoned or unloved.  Sometimes it is disappointments.  Sometimes it is our own selves we need to forgive and stop dwelling on.  We've all done stupid things and then done them again. Forgive & forget...................... But it is hard!  All the Lord asks is for us to be willing. Be willing, then HE will give you the grace to forget.  The Lord spoke to me about a couple areas of my life where I am doing that.  I want to be fruitful from affliction that comes my way.  I want beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, I want my life to be a testimony of the glory of God.   But first I must give birth to a Manasseh. Only then can I give birth to Ephraim.

The Ship Poem

After much searching,
I finally found a poem I heard read at a funeral several years ago.  It was a vivid reminder that even while we are watching someone we love slip away from us, that others who love them dearly too are watching their coming. 

"Gone From My Sight"

by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad
shout;
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.

Holding a Bit of Heaven

I held a baby today,
the son of a dear friend,
a precious little boy who the doctors said wouldn't live this long. They were wrong.
They didn't factor in what the LORD might have planned. Instead of the little fellow having heart surgery, the LORD has used this difficult situation to work on the hearts of hundreds of others. 

As I gazed into this little bundle of miracle, I was captured by his eyes. They were the eyes of the wise.  What sweet secrets had the Father whispered to him?  His eyes seem to have a message to tell, yet God hasn't planned for him to grow up to preach it. For the LORD has chosen to show us that message instead, yet it is not just one message, it is a thousand personal messages to a thousand different people. Each one loved so grandly by the LORD. Just like He loves this little bit of heaven.

Christian parents all have the ultimate goal for each of our children to do two things: Point others to Jesus and live with Jesus in Heaven.  This little baby is fulfilling the first and will soon do the second.  The Lord in His tenderness is giving this family a special time to make treasured memories.  He is giving them days full of grace moments to store up in their hearts for the days ahead when the tears will flow like rivers and their arms will be aching and empty. 

The Lord is giving them extra time to hold their son.  It is a miracle.  Yet another miracle goes by unseen.  For the LORD, the Creator of all, the Almighty God, is holding them. Tenderly, Lovingly, Securely holding them all.....

I held a little bit of heaven today.  It was a blessing I shall never forget.

Survival

Every soldier is trained in survival.
What to do if you find yourself alone behind enemy lines.
How to stay alive and get out.

That is much how I feel about grief.
It is survival, especially at the first heartbreaking blow.
You do feel all alone, no matter how many others are around you.
And the only way out, or to healing, is to press through.

Recently, I once again shared with a grieving family my survival tips.
I don't think I have shared them on here before so here they are:

• B-R-E-A-T-H-E  I found that it hurt to breathe at times or that I would almost forget to breathe deeply at times.  For the children's sake, I knew I had to keep breathing. There were times that I felt I had so much to do and it overwhelmed me.  I would tell myself, "All I got to do is breathe."

• Run and cling to JESUS.  This wasn't always easy, the pain was so great.  But just like a parent responds to a newborn's cry, our loving Lord responds to our deep groanings.  Many times I cried out for the LORD to just hold me up. He did. I would curl up in a chair and ask the Great Comforter to hold me all night. He has been faithful.
 
• People told me to take it one day at a time.  Are you kidding me?! A day is full of minutes, 1440 minutes to be exact, and each minute can be agonizing.  So I made my own saying, "One moment at a time, one breath at a time, one prayer at a time." And I told myself this often.
 
These three basic survival tips helped me through those first hours and days and even weeks after my husband died. Then as a grieving parent with children who were grieving, I learned more survival tips:
 
• I asked the LORD to give me, from scripture an answer I could give the children when they asked why. Again He was faithful.
 
• The LORD also showed me how helpful it was to the children to have journals to draw in.  It really helped me to understand what was going on inside them.
 
• He also showed me that it was comforting to them and to me, to have me read books to them. So we read tons of books.
 
•  I clung to promises from the LORD and shared many with the boys. For over half a year, I read the Psalms. And I was given promise after promise to help me, comfort me, give me hope, and help me feel understood.
 
• I made us go to church.  I will admit.  It was a battle some days.  But once we got there, I felt strengthened.  Even when we had bad days and I was in the nursery more than I was in the church services, we kept going. 
 
• I journaled.  To me, writing helps me sort out the tangled twine of emotions and thoughts.  God knows me and He knows I needed to cry and write, write and cry.  These two things were essential to my personal healing. When I didn't journal or cry for awhile, when I stuffed it all down inside, it would make me easily angered or upset or almost paralyze my thinking. Writing would unbury those feelings.
 
• We filled the house with music.  We played it all night and left music playing while we were gone.  It filled the emptiness with something soothing.

So there you all have it.  My brief but necessary survival tips of grief.