June 10, 2013

It's Back.

Ever feel like your grief is choking you? Some people say they get lumps in their throats. That isn't what it feel like to me. It feels like it hurts to talk or breathe. Gives a real understanding to the phrase "choked up". Well, tonight it hit.

Maybe because Father's Day is coming soon.
Maybe because my oldest has entered youth group and that signals that the rough waters of teenager are coming fast.
Maybe because my youngest was crying tonight because he hurts not having any memory of his dad, not ever having met him.
Maybe because my middleman looks at me a certain way and he looks so much like his dad.
Maybe because being a widow, a singlemom, and a homeschool mom is just a lot somedays.
I don't know......there are countless little things that can add up to a grief wave or just one thing in particular.

Either way, tonight the floodgates broke, tears ran like rivers once again, and the old sensation of wanting to cry out and feeling choked instead come. I tried to voice it all to God, much of it wouldn't come out.

But as always after the tears, the comfort comes.
A peace that passes all understanding.
A reassurance of God's presence and tender care.
And as I remembered all the promises and how God has kept each one,
even more peace surrounds me.
So once again, I ask for Him to hold me all night long.
Till morning comes with new mercy and hope.
And I know HE will because He held me up through so much already.

I just stand amazed sometimes about how deep my grief can be,
even almost 7 and a half years later. It is a strong reminder to be sensative to others grieving.
We just don't know what they maybe dealing with, no matter how long their loved one has been gone.

I didn't go back and repolish this post.
I've decided to leave it, as raw and open as it is.
And with this final thought: God is faithful, no matter how much it hurts!

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