"You Breathe"

"You breathe. I"ll pray."

This is what my precious praying sister told me, as in a panic I told her about the latest tragedy to strike my extended family. Oh, the precious gift of a friend praying over you and over a situation that made you weld up with fear and emotion. By the time she was done, God had given me the grace to be the prayer warrior and messenger I needed to be. And the grace of God continued to hold me up.

As more sad news hit the family today, it was my turn to say, "I am going to just pray," and start praying with my loved one on the phone.

As I look back over this month, there seems to have been more tears than smiles and I wonder if this isn't a sliver of what Job felt.

Questioning God's timing yet knowing His sovereignty.....Feeling He is so far away, yet going to Him in prayer because we know He is so close. Hurting deeply within and feeling so helpless, yet knowing God is going to show Himself strong, somehow and in someway, and make this pain beautiful in His time.

Two quotes come to my mind:

Joni Eareckson Tada: "Your deepest need when you are hurting is to have God, like a Daddy, reach down and pick you up and hold you and reassure you that everything is going to be okay. He lets you know that your life is not in nightmarish chaos, your world is not splitting apart at the seams. Somehow and somewhere there is order and stability to it all. And that's why God never gives advice; He gives Himself."

Samuel Rutherford: "Believe God's Word and Power more than you believe your own feelings and experiences. Your Rock is Christ, and it is not the Rock which ebbs and flows, but your sea."

Reminiscing...

Anniversaries are funny things. Last year was hugely emotional as it had been 10 years since we got married on our front porch. This year I felt fairly good heading in to it, yet emotions overwhelmed me and tears came at inconvenient times as our 11 anniversary approached. This was once beautiful and new above us as we said our marriage vows.

And this is beautiful and new a gift from Jim's mom that brightened my day. A daily reminder that God loves me!!!!

As usual, I was feeling alone and overwhelmed by my beloved Jim being gone from my side. And as usual just when I am at my lowest, my Lord shows me He is right there, waiting for me to reach out, and fill me with a love and peace that passes all understanding....

JoySmile

Little Snurr gave me the biggest JoySmile. We were in the restroom and he kindly gave paper towels for me to dry my hands on. Then while he was washing up, I got paper towels for him to dry his hands with. He smiled so sweetly.

Then that cute-as-a-button little guy said, "Will you be my friend forever?" as he slipped his hand into mine. "

"Absolutely, I will!" I assured him.

As we caught up with his brothers he proclaimed, "Mommy is going to be my friend forever!!"

I know that he will not always feel like this. But for the moment I basked in the glow of his smile and his assurance of my friendship.

Desperation

For the second time in a week I found myself at my husband's grave weeping in desperation. I wasn't there so much as to seek to be close to Jim, as was to pour out my cares and failures to the One who my husband is present with. Doing this single mom homeschool role is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Each time when I get done pouring out the good, the bad, and the ugly, I keep hearing Christ's sweet whisper to my heart..............

"....apart from me ye can do nothing."

"...love one another as I have loved you......"

Thank You for Your faithfulness and compassion on me, Lord! I am so sorry I try to run ahead of You and do things my way. I sure do make a mess of things.....Thank You for Your forgiveness and mercy and grace.......Grace, oh Lord, how I need Your grace to love others like You love me. I need Your grace to do what You have assigned me to do. Please help me hear Your voice and obey! In Jesus' name, Amen.

Early Flight

(I just can't say "it"; that seems so impersonal. So until I am told a name to validate this precious life, just cuz' I am so used to boy babies I will refer to this little one as a him.)

Monday my little nephew took an early flight to Heaven. Grief waves roll in and out, emotions tumble around, as do my thoughts. Once again I cry out to God. And once again His only answer is His embrace.

My thoughts ramble:

I ache for his momma..........

I feel frustrated as she is too far away to give hugs of understanding.........

I remember my own miscarriage.......

Death once again brings separation..........

I miss sharing and praying with my husband on things like this............

I am jealous of this little one being greeted by my husband and son, his big sister and other relatives..............

I am thankful of Heaven and the promises of God.......

I am jealous of this little one being embraced face to face by the Lord............

I am praising the Lord that this child never rebelled against Him...............

Tears flow as I prayerfully take on the burdens of my sister.................

I look at my own blessings and remember their births......................

I stroke their cheeks and remember to be forgiving and more gracious.................

I watch them sleep and long to feel my husband by my side loving them as much as I do.........

I listen silently and hear how God's grace is carrying another wounded soldier of the Lord to endure through the pain.........

I only knew of this precious life for a short time, yet I miss him just the same...............

I grieve the nephew I won't know till heaven.......................

I will think of him often around my birthday as I had hoped it would be his birthday too.....

I explain to the boys that their baby cousin is in Heaven..................

I try to answer their questions.......................

I ask God my own......................

I long for Heaven with no more death and separation..................

I long for the Lord to tarry for others to accept His mercy and grace.........................

Once again tears come at unpredictable times.................

Once again God reminds me He cares and He is with me.

P. S. I recently heard Jon Bishop speak and his words echo in my head. "God is always right and God is always good."