December 29, 2010

Christmas Day

I awoke early and felt a black cloud over my head. I read Bible and prayed. And fell back asleep. When I awoke again, the cloud seemed heavier and darker. Grief waves began to roll in. I could feel the need to cry, yet no tears came. Every effort to get ready for the day, seemed like trudging through a swamp. The thought of getting together with family without my husband seemed too great to bear.

Finally, I made myself trudge through the snow to Jim's grave. And there the flood gates burst open. On top of his memorial bench, there are praying hands carved. I find comfort putting my hand on them. Yet this day, there was ice covering the whole top. I worked and worked till the tears came and the ice broke away. Then I put my hand on those praying hands and let the sobs come. There are emotions words cannot capture; prayers that only the heart can mutter. I don't know how long I stayed. God's amazing comfort came tenderly. I still felt the heaviness of missing my beloved yet I wasn't walking through the swamp anymore. I trudged back to the house. And tended to what had occurred while I had been gone.The tears that earlier in the morning wouldn't flow, seemed to not end at the gravesite. More tears streamed down my cheeks.

Then I popped in a movie for the boys and went to encourage myself in the Lord. I got freshened up and dressed in something I felt pretty in. I sang a precious song that was given to a widow friend of mine called "God's Grace is All sufficient" Then I felt more prepared. We all got ready and loaded the SUV. My sister-in-law called to check on me because I wasn't there yet and they were concerned. Again tears streamed down my check.

Finally we were on our way. We began to sing Christmas hymns as we traveled. And finally I felt the cloud being lifted. The rest of the day went well without tears or sorrow.

I love Christmas! I love Emmanuel coming and dwelling with us. I love visiting with family. It was who was missing from it all that makes it so difficult at times. I recently read this in 2 Corinthians 6:10 "As sorrowful, yet alway rejoicing;" and those five words I sum up my Christmas.

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