Ever felt like crying and couldn't? This happens to me often if I stuff a grief wave because I don't have time or privacy to just have a good cry. Later when I am alone and could cry, I just can't.
Sometimes I am not even sure why I feel the need to cry. I know, I am a woman, do I need a reason? Yes, I do.Usually writing or talking with someone helps me sift through the emotions and figure out the whys.
On a particular night, I found myself in just that position, heavy hearted with tears frozen within, so I dug out my journal and began to write.................to figure out why I felt this choking sorrow.
- Christmas was coming.........I usually go through a blah time as the world gets so focused on material things and making big bucks. The Babe in the manger is forgotten, and if He is remembered He must just stay a cute babe. They don't like to remember He grew up, bled and die on a cruel cross, and rose again.
- My oldest son had his birthday. Birthday are hard sometimes without Jim here. This one seemed good till that night when I realized we hit another milestone. Snipp has had more birthdays without a dad than with his dad.
- That just brings up fears of the future. How to help him and his brothers grow up to be godly men. How to make it victoriously through teenagehood.
- Realizing no one can fill that void in their lives or mine...............
Then the wrestling began as the tears flowed.... and the real issue was revealed.
I was once again wrestling within me having the faith that Jesus is enough. I know what scripture says in Philippians 4:19 "But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus"
That promises--all my needs will be supplied.......I know that Psalm 23:1 says "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." He is my shepherd...yet I felt so wanting. I am not content with just Him. The realization felt like cold water in my face......
I prayed and cried and no peace came as it so often will. I knew that this wasn't just a grief wave, this was attack, and I felt too weak and wounded to fight. I prayed for God to show me which prayer warrior to contact. He led me to a sweet young widow. She understands and never fails to point me to Jesus. She shared a few thoughts I knew but ones I needed to hear like "God didn't take them home to destroy any of us." Then she prayed to God right then for that void to not feel so deep and empty. After awhile she sent me three scripture to look up. Hebrews 13:5,6; Proverbs 3:5-6; and Psalm 31:24.
I grabbed Jim's Bible with shaking hands. I looked up the first referance and I let out a gasp and just hung my head and sobbed. Jim had it circled in his Bible......Emotions I have no words for flooded over me. Once I could read again, I read the verses......and again it was like cold water to my face. Instantly my heart was smote. I knew why I had been attacked. The verse says "Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as ye have for He has said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee for I am thy helper................."
Coveting there it was, the sin that led me down this road, that sucked my strength and joy. Coveting makes me discontented and then, of course, God doesn't seem like He is enough. The next day I shared that verse with the boys and they got excited. See their Sunday School teacher had been teaching on coveting that day. He described coveting as wanting what God didn't give me or wanting what God didn't want me to have. Wow! I always thought of coveting as wanting what belonged to someone else. But when you described it as their teacher did, it just takes God and puts Him right in the middle of the issue. It makes the sin of coveting more personal against God.
He is enough...He is....when I stop longing for what God hasn't given me and start trusting Him as Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths. When I do what God says, He is enough. Sometimes I am a sssssllllllooooowwwwwww learner.
And I am so thankful God is the most patient, loving, merciful teacher.
Day by day, trial by trial, night after night, He keeps teaching me that He is enough and I just need to trust Him with Everything, including the future, my children, and my heart.The final verse of encouragement from my friend:
Psalm 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
And now, Goodbye, 2011! Hello, 2012!