Realigning My Thinking

On a cold February evening in 2006, my world was shattered into a million pieces. After the shock and numbness wore off, I felt like my body had been torn in half and my heart lay bleeding. Slowly, the reality that my beloved Jim was gone from this life began to sink into my mind. For awhile it hurt to breath, then it hurt to laugh, then it hurt to live, then suddenly it was time for our little precious Snurr to be born. It was an extremely difficult day. And most of that day and night, one thought kept screaming in my head, "Jim is suppose to be here for this!!!"

Since that day, I have had that thought countless times. When Snipp learned to ride his bike, when Snapp had questions I couldn't answer, when Snurr began to walk, when I had to make big decisions.........and hundreds of other times.

Recently I had that same thought, "Jim is suppose to be here for this."

Gently and firmly I felt God speak to my heart, "No, he isn't."

Whoa!!! I found myself holding my breath, stunned. First of all, this is the first time in all the times of me having that thought did I ever feel the Lord speak to my heart about it.

And secondly, I wanted to argue. In my mind, fathers aren't suppose to die when they have young boys at home to raise. Women my age aren't suppose to be widows. Boys are suppose to have dads there to help them with things, teach them things, and such. Dads are suppose to see their children's accomplishments and hugs their wives when they've had a long day with the little warriors. Dad are suppose to be there.........................................

The truth began to touch my heart even as I began to argue, that my ways are not God's ways. And His ways are best. That just because I think or the world thinks that life should be a certain way doesn't mean that is what God thinks.

Again my heart heard, "No, Jim isn't suppose to be here. That wasn't my plan from the beginning."

I'll be honest, my first reaction to that statement was pain. A big ouch! That all my dreams and Jim's dreams too were not what God wanted for us, that they weren't what was best................

Once again I fell into His lap spiritually and cried. I know my Lord loves me more than I will ever understand. I also know that I will never understand all His ways, but I can trust His heart. Christ proved His love on Calvary. Everything He allows in my life is for my good and His glory. Hurting, I clung to the One whose words had seared my heart. I felt held as I cried and let this new truth sink into my soul and try to realigned my thinking.

Jim isn't suppose to be here.
Neither are others who died,
or moved away,
or have stepped away.
Things are the way they are because God has a purpose and a plan.

Again my mind goes back to another cold February day as I stood up during the funeral service and read these words from the front of my Bible:

In times of confusion, remember these truths:

1. God has a plan; He is in control.
2. God's timing is always perfect.
3. We have nothing to fear.
4. We have much to learn.