Merry Christmas from Heaven

I finally found Jim's special box. I had packed it away in a closet when we rearranged rooms many months ago. And I was blessed to find it again full of love notes he had kept. There were dozens and dozens of cards and letters, when we were first dating, in our first year of marriage, and of seasoned love........there was words written of passion, of encouragement, of explaination, of apology. It was a trip down memory lane, an interesting and healing trip. I saw how I had grown deeper in love with Jim and grown stronger in Christ. What a treasure to find on Christmas! It was as if Jim and Jesus had sent me this package from Heaven.

Merry Christmas

As we celebrate the birth of Christ here on earth, let us remember that the Baby who grew up to be a Man was the Son of GOD. Christ Jesus took our punishment and died on the cross for you and me. Then He arose from the grave. Now Lord Jesus sits at God's right hand awaiting all those who put their faith and trust in HIM. The manger is empty, the cross is empty, and the tomb is empty. So Heaven could be full. Is your heart empty? Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved. Then when your time on earth is done, you will live with Him and add to the fullness of Heaven.

Watching Out for Children

One child ran one way around our vehicle and the other scampered around the other way. Meanwhile, little Snipp was demanding my attention. I couldn't see the older two boys and cars were zooming around like swarming bees in the grocery store parking lot. I shouted for them to be careful and get in our vehicle. When the neighboring truck cautiously backed out and rolled down his window, I saw the face of my high school Spanish teacher. "It's okay, Christy, I'm watching out for them," he said kindly. As he drove away, God spoke to my heart.

"It's okay, Christine, I'm watching out for them." Every parent I know worries about their children. I think single parents worry more. We know the deep void in our children for the missing parent and we know we can't fill that hole. No one can, only GOD. But God does have a motherly love for our children and He has promised to be the Father to the fatherless. " It's okay; I'm watching out for them." God whispered this promise to me and I take a deep breath of relief. I can't be everywhere and do everything. But my God can!! And He loves these children more than I do. So I try to give Him my worries and cares, and keep pointing these children to the only one that can heal their hurting hearts and fill the empty place in their lives.

Freedom Given By Tears

We often fail to realize the freedom our tears give others.

Recently my boys witnessed someone visiting their father's grave. They were quite in awe for several reasons. First, we can see the grave from our home and we know how infrequent it is visited. Second, this friend stayed at the grave for awhile. It gave the boys and me the opportunity to discuss what grown-ups do or say when they visit a loved one's grave. Thirdly, they saw that it was okay for tough guys to grieve over people they miss. It is okay to still miss them several years after they have died. It's okay to long for them to be here.

All these little things spoke volumes to the boys. It gave them freedom that it is okay for them to still miss Daddy. It is okay to cry over him being gone from us. You see, if others grieve for Daddy still, then surely it is okay for us to miss him also. And there is a great freedom in that!

Give and Take

"....the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

This Thanksgiving is extra special to me. Ten years ago I miscarried my first baby on Thanksgiving Day just weeks after his conception. It was a very difficult time for me not just emotionally, but spiritually. For months, I grieved and floundered in my faith. But the LORD gave me the promise "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children." Psalm 113:9 I clung to that promise. This week the first fruit of that promise will celebrate his birthday on Thanksgiving day. And just like Hannah of old, He not only gave me a son, but the LORD gave me more than I asked for, three sons!! How I praise HIM for HIS goodness to such a sinner as I. The child He took home, the child I never got to hold and longed for so much, that special child was there to greet my beloved husband. The thought of the two of them being together in Heaven waiting for us is a comfort and a joy to me. Again, the LORD shows me how HE knows the end from the beginning of a matter. And again, I am reminded to simple trust in an all-knowing God who loves me more than I will ever understand!

I Know HE is LORD

It is difficult to describe in words what happened during the morning service this past Sunday. But I will try because if I don't get it down in words, I fear it will be a dream:

The youth leader sang his special about the blood of Calvary speaking for me at the judgement seat. It was an amazing song. Then our pastor approached the pulpit to preach. Just then our assistant pastor asked if he could share something. He gave a short testimony; then Preacher asked if anyone else had anything to share. Then one person after another started sharing ways God has been working in their lives. When the testimonies began to lull, Preacher asked for the song to be sung again. After that another person was called to play and sing song about Through the Blood, more testimonies, then another felt let to sing medley about Gentle Shepherd. My mind gets blurry after this on the order of what happened because the Lord started dealing with me on some issues in my life. There was more testimonies then the congregation sang "It Is Well With My Soul" followed by more sharing. Then Preacher preached a mimi sermon. A couple more testimonies and "Amazing Grace" was sung by the congregation. This all took place over the time period of about 90+ minutes.



I understand better the scripture about our spirit making intercession and praying with utterances and groanings. My tears fell continually: As I shared about my two sons getting complete assurance of salvation this week, as I listened to the words of the song knowing that Jesus is my gentle shepherd, as I pictured Jim's casket getting lowered in the ground and hearing myself sing "It is Well With My Soul", crying out to Jesus on behalf of a friend trying to give her son over to the LORD, singing Amazing Grace that Jim would sing to the boys as a lullabye. Tears...........some were of joy, some of gratitude, some of grief, some for reasons I can't explain. I didn't want the service to end. I felt all snuggled up in my Heavenly Father's arms and I wanted to stay there.

Some would say the spirit of God fell down, others would say it was just emotions. This much I know my cup is full and I can confidently say "and I know that HE is LORD.'

And They Shall Know....

"And they shall know that I am the LORD" I have found this phrase repeated several times in Ezekiel and a couple times it says " and ye shall know that I am the Lord GOD" and "and thou shalt know that I am the LORD."

Alot of difficult situations are occuring right now in the lives of people I care deeply about. Some of it is scary and others overwhelmingly painful. But when wondering what is going on, I felt God whisper to my heart, "they shall know that I am the Lord." Through these difficult trials, God is going to reveal Himself to others, and also to me.

Our preacher gave us a message a few weeks back about how God is behind the dark clouds. With us we see, good or bad. But with Him it is good. He makes all things work together for good. I know that through my own trials the Lord teaches me more about Him and more about myself. So as the rain pours down and the sky seems to be falling, I cling to His words, "and they shall know that I am the LORD."

Hosea 2

At church last week, an old friend shook my hand and said, "You are going to have to tell me about this," as he examined my right hand. I knew what he was refering to. On my pointer finger of my right hand I have a ring of sorts made out of a simple hairtie. It is kind of a "string on your finger" reminder. I haven't found a real ring that is suitable yet, so in the mean time this works.

Now you too are probably wondering what it symbolizes. In a nutshell, Hosea 2. Verse 16 says "And it shall be at that day, saith the LORD, that thou shalt call me Ishi; and shalt call me no more Baali." To my understanding, Ishi means my husband and Baali means my master. So it reminds me that God is my Husband. Then looking down to verses 19 & 20. "And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD."

To be betrothed is as binding as being married. In this day and age, I realized marriage isn't honored like it once was, but to be betrothed is to be in a covenant with someone. It is legally binding. The words righteousness, judgment, lovingkindness, mercies, faithfulness are not words that I can keep towards my LORD, they are HIS promises to me!!!

By the way, that word lovingkindness is hesed in Hebrew which is the word describing love that is between a husband and wife. I know that love, I experienced that deep love where you cherish one another as a treasure. I miss that love and my beloved, my treasure, my Jim...

To this widowed heart of mine being in a love relationship with my LORD is safe, healing, refreshing, and motivating. Viewing God as my Husband keeps my heart where it should be: Focused on Christ. Loving HIM more than anything else, above my kids, above myself. It motivates me to listen to HIM more, to obey HIM more, to strive to be better for HIM. I am promised to marry the King of Kings and Lord of Lords; I am a future bride to royalty! Even though I am a poor peasant girl, I need to carry myself like a princess because in His eyes that is what I am. My reminder on my finger simply states, " I am deeply loved and cherished by SOMEONE very special and I need to act like it!!!!"

Walking in the Rain

I recently just celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary without my husband. As difficult as it is to type those words, the day was really a blessing. When a friend asked how it was, I described it this way: When you are sick and feel miserable, but you are curled up on a couch with a warm fuzzy blanket and are sipping a warm cup of soup--I wasn't glad to be there (a widow on my anniversary) but there was something soothing and healing about it. For several hours, I had just stayed in my room and prayed and cried and remembered and dreamed and wrote in my journal and wrote in my journal and wrote in my journal:) And I confess too, I ate chocolate! It was an amazingly healing time.

I believe it was the results of many people's prayers. A dear sweet friend sent me an e-card that said: I wish I had a big yellow umbrella.......that would keep away all the rain in your life....I would hold it over your head, and the drops would splash, splash and you would never even feel it........But I don't have a big yellow umbrella--So I'll walk through the rain with you. I think I had many sisters-in-the-Lord walking with me that day. I didn't feel alone like I thought I would. I felt the Lord, oh, so close. And Jim seemed not so far away either. I pray that everyone that reads this has a friend that will walk through the rain with them, especially JESUS, "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother" (or a sister)

Sweet Words From Little Lips

Yesterday my little Snurr pressed his cheek against mine and said, "You angel, Mommy!" To which I replied, "I'm an angel?" "Nup! You watch over me!" Snurr beamed, "You my Angel Mommy."

I don't think of myself as an angel; I know too much about myself. Most the time I don't feel like I am even a good mom. But a child's perspective is always so different than ours. So is God's. He sees things in me I don't; and He blesses my kids by showing them things I don't see in me either.

I guess I have a new image to live up to:)

Hang In There

"Life has got you all stressed out, you've had enough, without a doubt, But don't despair, just say this prayer...Dear Lord, help me hang in there!"

This was on a cork board that was given to me recently. I had admired it in a Christian bookstore I visit often, but just felt too selfish to buy it for myself. My son came up to me holding our meager purchases and also a long box with a bow on it. He said the sales lady had given it to him. I asked her about it she said, " It is for you." "From who?" I inquired. "The Lord put it on my heart to give it to you," was the reply from the sales clerk/owner. So I said, "Then I'll take it!" I answered with a smile.

When I got home and opened it I was surprised it was what I had been admiring. It just so touched my heart, not just the timing of this gift, but the woman's sensitivity to the Holy Spirit's promptings as well as God's reminder of "I Love You!!!!" Once again He reminds me that He remembers me and knows me, really knows me and all the emotions and thoughts that whirl around in my brain. My Lord knows me and He loves me anyway!!!

God at Work in the Silence (Part 2)

Once again, I have founded life to move faster than I can get to my computer to type. Somehow over 6 wks have flown by. I don't have time to try to catch up on everything the Lord has been doing in our lives. I will share some quick themes:

1. Peace-God showed me how very precious His peace is that passeth all understand.
2. Prayer-God continues to take me on a journey that deepens my prayer life.
3. Servanthood-God has reminded me of how much of a blessing it can be to minister to others.
4. Abiding-God has reminded me yet again that apart from Him I can do nothing, nothing great anyway.
5. Perseverance-He has called me to do the hard things and will equip me if I look to Him to do it.
6. Sovereignty-Again and again my Lord has revealed to me that my ways are not His ways, and my best plans are not His plans, but His plans are so much better.
7. Friendship-Though my Lord allowed my very best friend, my beloved husband to be gone from my life, He has given me some amazing praying friends. Friends who are real and transparent, friends who pray for me and with me. Friends who make me better for JESUS!!

God is a Master Electrician

Over two months ago, our yard light stopped working. I figured the bulb was burnt out and need replaced. Not fun when it is twenty plus feet in the air. Needless to say, in my busy life I just adapted to it and planned to purchase a ladder and get a helper sometime before Fall.

It was a blessing in some ways to come home and have no yard light taking away the awesome wonder of twinkling stars overhead or beautiful fireflies glowing wondrously across the yard. Yet when crime has seemed to increase around here recently, the light was a nice comfort to have.

Well, last night we had a thunderstorm with torrential rain and rumbling thunder. Snurr was already fast asleep. But I let the older boys stay up knowing it was futil to try to put them to bed when the storm was raging. They were quietly doing a craft in the diningroom when suddenly Snipp shouted, "Mom, the yard light is working!!!"

Sure enough, it was shining brightly like a lighthouse in a tempest sea. We just stood in awe and said, "That is an act of God!" My brain tried to rationalize it in my mind; yet I finally gave up and thought "Just take it as it is-an act of God"

I felt like I was an Israelite staring at the Red Sea dividing. Even after the boys were soundly asleep I looked to see if it was still shining. Of course, it was:) And I just stood speechless communing with God without words.

God is good. So good. I am humbled by His watch care over us.
The verse "The Lord is my Light" seems so more real now:)

P.S. I was very downhearted the following night when it didn't light up. The darkness seemed to be taunting God and my faith. Once more a couple months later it came on one night. Strange! But I believe God is Sovereign and He had it come on those nights for a purpose I may never know.

FALL UPDATE: A friend of my husband's who wishes to remain anonomous came by today and fixed the yard light! It took just 20 minutes and he had it all done. What a blessing to us!!! It seems strange to have the yard so lit up now. But I feel safer too, especially as it gets dark so much sooner now. The boys love it too for now they not only feel safer but they can also play outside after dark:) God is so good!! And to friends like this we say "We give thanks to God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, praying always for you," Colossians 1:3

Going in Reverse

On a recent trip, we had the adventure of reverse stop working in our SUV. It was rather difficult to back out of our parking spot. With God's Divine help and wisdom, we worked together and pushed it out enough so we could drive out. We finally got it to the shop after a couple days of creative parking/driving. I never realized how often I use reverse.



And all this got me thinking.........I wish my reverse would stop working in my spiritual life. We have all been there when we stop zooming toward God, pass through neutral and start to back away from God. We see the signs in others around us, yet how often have we slipped into neutral without realizing it, and are headed for reverse?



I made this statement to the boys today "There should be no reverse in a Christian's life." We should be zealously zooming toward Him like a Nascar driver.

Our Great Teacher

I have started again to read the proverb that corresponds with the day of the month. On the 24th, I read Proverbs 24:3 "Through wisdom is a house builded; and by understanding it is established." Years ago I had read this verse and the one following it and shared them with Jim. We then later decided to have them used in our wedding.



That will be ten years ago this fall, and sometimes I feel like a girl staring through a window watching and wondering about the family I see within. I reread this verse again and again. So often I don't feel wise and I feel that I don't understand much at all. Somedays I feel it is all I can do to keep this family from crumbling to the ground.



Jesus is such a Great Teacher. The following day I was reading in Job. And chapter 28, verse 28 was a lightbulb for me: "And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the LORD, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding"



Okay, okay........ so if I use this as a definition for the verse in Proverbs then----- I am taught that through the fear of the LORD is a house (or family) builded; and by departing from evil it is established. Jim had a deep understanding of this. And when I followed his leadership this is how our family was built and established.



This is also the practical plan to keep following. "...fear the LORD and depart from evil" Proverbs 3:7b The same words we taught our children to say and think when the lightning flashes and the thunder rumbles. "Fear the LORD and depart from evil."

And the tide comes in.......

Sharing memories always has a flip side. As Father's Day came to a close, and the boys were settling down to sleep, Snapp says to me, "I wish I could have given Daddy my bookmark." And I knew the tide was coming in. The next morning a grief wave hit us hard. I couldn't stop the tears and my heart was just breaking for my little ones. As they got out their Daddy journals to draw in, I text several praying sisters. My heart wanted to call someone, but I knew I wouldn't be able the talk through the tears. So I used technology to ask for prayer. And as I held my son and we talked about his picture, my phone rang. One text came as a response, then came another and another. And I wept some more knowing my boys and I were being lifted up in prayer by loved ones at that very moment. More texts came in and as I read their messages I felt the loving arms of my Heavenly Father being wrapping around me, hugging me close: "love you, but Jesus loves you more" "..understand completely" "call anytime" "XO XO" "I will be praying for you" "I know how hard it is with a teen I can't imagine..my prayers are with you" New tears fell as I curled up spiritually in the Comforter's arms. And I could just rest in the prayers of my sisters and know it was going to be okay. I thank God for my praying sisters.

Father's Day

This Father's Day seemed to creep up on us this year. One of my sons had already been deep in a grief wave, and I had been prayerfully, tenderly coaching him through it. I wasn't sure what to expect on this 4th Father's Day without Daddy. I let them sleep in and met with the LORD and read my Bible. Then I got ready for the day uninterrupted, a very nice gift from GOD. The boys got up and we did our usual routine of reading their Bibles then having breakfast. As we ate, Snapp shared how he had a dream about ice fishing. Then Snurr spoke up.

"Mama, I gots to tell you sumpton.....GOD loves me.........and.........Daddy loves me....................... And Daddy kissed me.........."

My heart just melted and I didn't know what to say. Tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. This wasn't a memory for him to remember; Snurr was still in my womb when his daddy went to heaven. I don't know how I responded. I just know how I felt. This wasn't little boy chatter. This was another gift from GOD. "See his hole isn't as big as you think. I got it covered:) I keep my promises."

After this jewel, we continued on our morning routine. On the way to church, Snapp asked for me to tell him a story as he often does. I pondered whether to share one of Jim or not. Then I felt the LORD prompting me to share about memories of my dad when I was a little girl. So I shared how he held me during the Christmas eve candlelight service, and took out my slivers, and made us scramble eggs with cheese on top, and wrapped me up in his beach towel the time I was shivering so much my teeth chattered, and other things. Sharing became a theme for the day.

Our pastor's sermon was on "Things My Dad Taught Me" and the Jr. Church leader for Snipp felt God directing him to share memories of his own dad then open it up to the kids. For almost half an hour, they shared. At one point, Snipp raised his hand and said my dad used to work at __________ _________. The teacher was then able to share how Jim came to his house one time and helped him repair his van. Oh, the warmth inside one's heart when someone has a memory of your loved one. Mean while, Snapp and Snurr were in their Jr. Church making bookmarks. As I shared in my other post, Snapp's said "I love you, Daddy!" on it. It was covered in scotch tape because he had told his teacher he wanted to put it out at his daddy's grave.

After church, Snipp shared the story of Daddy helping his teacher with his van and Snapp showed me his bookmark. (Snurr had had too much fun with cutting so his bookmark didn't survive.) I followed the LORD's promptings and ordered cheese sticks from Pizza Hut; this was a Sunday tradition of Jim's. Then I took the boys to a quiet place where Jim would go sometimes on his lunch break to eat and read his Bible. We ate our cheese sticks, then we went to a store to get hats. Each year for Father's Day, we would get Jim a new straw hat. A vivid memory to Snipp is Daddy riding the lawn mower wearing his straw hat. Snipp was really excited about getting a straw hat his size because just this year, I have allowed him to drive the lawnmower with supervision. As we checked out the hats, I snuck a KitKat to the checkout lady. Then we sat outside the store and shared our chocolate treat. I also shared how Daddy would sneak home icecream and also leave chocolate "Mommy"treats for me to find in the cupboards as I put away the dishes.



On our way home, we dropped of a gift I had gotten for my own father. Ever since Jim's death, it has been a struggle at times to honor my own dad on a day we feel such hole in our lives. I am so thankful to have my dad still here and a part of our lives. Yet I feel almost guilty, because I got something my boys don't have.

Another memory of Daddy was watching Monday night football with Uncle Ben. As Snipp got older and the commercials got worse, we watched it less and less. But it was a tradition for me to cook scrambled eggs and ham for the game with big glasses of orange juice. So for lunch, we had just that. Then we watched the Daddy Movie. It is one of Jim reading a story to the camera for Snipp when he was around two. It is just refreshing to see Jim moving and joking around. We read the story with him. Then we watched a DVD of our home video of the 2000 Mopar Nationals. The boys love watching the burnout contest!!



After naps, we drove to the roadside memorial to hang Snapp's bookmark. We had wrapped it in sealer tape to help it against the wind and rain. Snapp and I waded through the high grass and he placed it over the cross. The ribbon made it hang just right. He was very satisfied to have it reach the destination he had wanted it to go.



Then we headed to church for the evening service. We miss Jim extrememly!!!!!!! But it felt so good to celebrate him and the things he did.

Sealer Tape

My son made a bookmark during Jr. Church today. "I love you, Daddy!" it says with two stars and a sideways moon that Snapp says is Daddy's face smiling. On the way home, he tells me he wants to hang it by its ribbon on the roadside memorial. So I needed to find sealer tape. We hoped to cover the scotch tape already on it with sealer tape to really help it against the elements.



I will be the first to admit that I don't have a place for everything and everything isn't in its place either. And I hadn't seen the sealer tape in my desk for awhile. So as I walked into our pantry after lunch, I whispered a prayer, "LORD, I need......" And before I could finish saying "sealer tape." THERE IT WAS!! At eye level, the roll was sitting on the pantry shelf:)



So once again God reminded me that HE knows exactly what I need before I even pray. And that HE has the answer before I even ask:) GOD is so good!!!!!!

Parasaurolophus

Through our church's Jr. Church program, Snipp received a dinosaour fossil kit. It was a rather cool project for him. First he had to unwrap this dino egg. We had him do this over a cookie sheet; the instructions said an easily to clean surface:) Snipp used a tool to dig in the dirt excavating "bones". Then he diligently used the brush to remove the dirt. Finally, he worked tediously to assemble the bones. He worked on this project for at least an hour.

When I checked on him, Snipp had just the two front arms and one leg to assemble. Now the instructions said to check for dirt in the holes if assembly was difficult. But my frustrated son noticed that the pieces themselves were not fitting properly. I took a look at it and three minutes later, I was frustrated too!

I decided to just superglue it together for him. Twenty minutes later, I still had no progress. Pieces weren' t glueing well and others were falling off!! Temptation to just give up was strong. My son encouraged me to remember not to quit................

Twenty more minutes went by........some success as well as superglue on six of my ten fingers! I still wanted to quit, throw it in the garbage, and just cry. Yet I did neither. My love for my son compelled me on, as did Snipp's belief in me that I would get it together. So I continued.

Twenty more minutes later, after one leg that was glued fell off as I attempted onced again to glue on an arm, and more glue on my already gluey fingers, I finally succeeded to get it together though it looked very frail.

Carefully, as not to bump the table, I slipped away to take a mental break almost expecting it to be in pieces again the next time I looked at it. Amazingly enough, it stayed together so very, very gently I move the fragile Parasaurolophus to my china closet. And I went off to find a nail file to file off the dried superglue from my fingers.

God's lesson to me in all this: Don't quit!! These little ones are believing in me! Out of love, persevere and don't do anything rash (like smashing up a parasaurolophus and throwing it away). Just keep going when it seems like things will never go together as I envision it.

Another note: A day later, my son was in tears about something he was to do, that he thought he was unable to do. "I can't" echoed off the walls of our home. I took him to the china closet to my friend the Parasaurolophus. Amazingly, he was together, though he still looked as though he would fall apart any minute. I haven't even touched him to see how sturdy he is. Anyway, back to my son.
Through his tears, I had him look at the dino who had caused him and me such frustration. I shared with him that I didn't think I could either. And that he had told me to not give up, not to quit. I shared how his words had encouraged me and how my love for him made me press on. Then I encouraged him to do the same. To not give up and just say "I'll try". Then really try. And out of love for Jesus just to not give up.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This morning an adorable little Snapp gave me a charming smile and said, "Yes, ma'am!" as he scampered down the stairs to obey my command. I called him back up and thanked him for speaking so respectfully to me. He said, "You're welcome!" Then rushed down the stairs again as this words floated back up to me, "I like it when you speak respectfully to me too, Mom." And as he went on his errand, I sat and let those words soak into my mind and my heart. As a parent I am trying to teach these boys to show respect to authority and elders. Often I feel like I am teaching the wind. My mind travelled to years ago, a lifetime ago, when my husband was here on earth. I pondered our relationship and remembered how from the beginning it was saturated with respect for each other. We did some things wrong, but this one thing we did right. We had great respect for each other. And that respect keep us from doing or saying many things that entered our minds. I know it did on my end. I have a quick, deadly tongue at times and yet it didn't flare out at Jim. Even when I was very upset, I could tone it down when I shared my bundle of emotions. My respect and love for him made me keep my tongue in check. This was something Jim taught me by his example. An example the boys and I now lack.

As I sat and pondered Snapp's comment, I thought of how we as parents are so quick to expect and even demand respect from our children. Yet we forget it that they learn best by example, our example. When we speak respectfully, they learn to speak respectfully. When we treat others with respect, especially them, they learn how to be treat others with respect. I will admit I have really dropped the ball on this these past three years. Thankfully, the Lord used my child to teach something yet again.

Be Holy

"Be holy, for I am holy" the Lord says in His word. Forever I felt like this was saying be perfect, be without fault. And in my mind I knew it was unattainable. Like always being corrected on every little thing from a pertectionist teacher, I threw up my hands and said "I give up, I'll never do it right." Then a friend gave me a book about holiness. It sat for months on the shelf looking pretty. But I had no desire to read it. Recently when I rearranged the book shelf, curiousity over took fear of condemnation and I took a peak........and continued reading.

Then....... lightbulb!!!! There is more than one explaination for holy. Holy is pure and undefiled, yet it also means special, set apart. I am called to be set apart to God, special. Like the ground Moses stood on, it wasn't pure, it was special,set apart because of God's presence. I have the Spirit of God living in me. That makes me special, set apart because of God's presence. And once again I stand amazed at the truths of God.

I will have to share more as I read more. I just had to share this in case someone else thought it was unattainable to be holy as God calls us to be.

Prayer Lessons

Over the last couple months, the Lord has been teaching me lessons about prayer. Not simple little whispers of prayer, but how to battle in prayer for others.

Lesson 1:PERSISTENT PRAYER IS NOT NAGGING GOD, IT IS SEEKING HIM TO DO WHAT ONLY HE CAN DO.

April 21st the Lord gave me a new nephew. Like Samuel, this baby was much prayed for. You see his big sister was not born alive and it was through much prayer that his mommy got pregnant with him. When it finally seemed like God said it was time for him to be born, I got the call and began to pray. And pray........and pray..........and call a dear friend and pray........and text for more prayer support and pray...........and pray...........and call a friend again and text more and pray................30hrs later with only a break of 4 hr of sleep God answered those many prayers. We rejoiced, but within hours God had us back on our knees again for there was a medical problem. By morning, God had healed that issue, but another arose. Back on the phone, and back on my knees I went. Finally it seemed that things were looking good, they could go home, when again another concern and back on my knees the Lord had me go. They are home now and he is the sweetest, healthiest baby:) I have still to get out of state to see this new precious child, but I feel like I have labored and birthed him myself in prayer.

Lesson 2:FASTING COUPLED WITH PRAYER IS A SERIOUS SPIRITUAL WEAPON.

I have a dear friend read a truth in her Bible and was determined to adjust her life to what it said. But the devil doesn't like to release us that easy. Days later she shared that she couldn't do it; the perceived negative fallout was like a road block. My heart grieved for this was more about her relationship to God and her belief about the Bible than the issue in front of her. I felt the Lord remind me that this was a serious spiritual battle that required intense prayer and fasting. So for the next 24hrs, I prayed and fasted. I didn't share it with others; I just silently interceded on behalf of my friend. With 24hrs after that, I received a call from my friend who had shared how God used a couple different people to show her that what He said was the right thing to do. And so she took the step of obedience to His Word.

Lesson 3:GOD DOESN'T ANSWERS OUR PRAYERS IN OUR WAYS, BUT HE ANSWERS IN THE WAY HE SEES BEST.

Another dear friend was facing a situation that was emotionally overwhelming. A situation that could be explosive and leave many painful memories at a crucial time. Again the Lord called me to be her armour bearer. This time I felt like a secret agent praying behind the scenes of a play asking the Great Director to make everything go smoothly. Each day I asked for specific things and some of it He flat out did the opposite. I felt like we were walking on a tightrope, but He did keep the strife away. He did it in ways I wouldn't have chosen, but He answered the overall prayer of my heart.

Lesson 4: PRAY ISN'T A DUTY, IT IS A PRIVILEGE.

A dear friend was leaving on a trip far across the ocean. (Those of you who have had a loved one die in an accident may understand the fear that grips your heart when someone you care about travels.) So I found out when she was leaving and returning and committed myself to pray for her that whole time. I took my earlier lessons of getting prayer support and applied them to this situation: I contacted friends by text and phone to be in a prayer group and asked another dear friend to be my daily prayer partner. I also text or emailed my traveling friend daily to let her know we were praying. I took this on because I felt it was my duty to pray for her; I learned it was actually a privilege to do so. You see, the Lord laid on my heart certain words for us to pray over her each day. He gave these words to me the morning she left. And to hear from her how she need those words on those specific days just reminded me again of the sovereignty of God.

Lesson 5: OBEY THE PROMPTINGS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

God is still working on me! Too often something like the following happens. There was a time I felt I was to call my prayer partner and reasoned in my head why the timing wasn't good. Later to my shame, I found out my friend needed prayer at that exact time!! God hadn't let her be unprotected, but He did allow me to miss the blessing of seeing Him work. Another lesson.

Six years ago, a lifetime ago it seems, I shared with the Lord I wanted to become a prayer warrior with stories of triumph to share. These recent lessons reminded me that the Lord is molding me into what I desire to be. I am reminded often that being a prayer warrior is not an easy or glorified role. It is draining, intense, sweaty work!! Sometimes I am required to charge head long into a spiritual battle with my sword swinging. Sometimes I am required to struggle along beside a friend carrying their burden like a armour that is too heavy for them to bear alone. Sometimes I am called to be shut away from the action and just pray in faith for what I can not see. Each time I stand amazed that the Almighty Creator of the universe cares enough to intervene on our behalf just because He loves us. Just because He can.

Kisses from God

Several weeks ago, I had a date with God. I know to some of you this might seem strange. Actually it is necessary for me in my growth as a person and as a Christian. Some moms seek "ME Time," these moms share how they need alone time to recharge. For me, I find that what the Bible says "for without Me ye can do nothing."(John 15:5) is true. Time with God is refreshing, rejuvenating, and necessary.
I have my daily time with my Lord morning and night, but just as it is highly recommended to have dates with your spouse, I apply that to my relationship with the Lord. I get alone somewhere with a journal and my Bible. In the past, I have sought God for answers on big decisions, healing on grief issues, or strength through tough times. This last date with God was a little different. I felt Him seeking to talk to me about a few things....things He wanted me to change. I knew it was going to be a date filled with tears, but also lots of love. God loves us the way we are, but He loves us too much to let us stay that way. I knew I was suppose to look over some lessons that the Lord had brought up in Ladies Bible Study. But I wasn't prepared for the journey into my past. Like most of you, there are things from my childhood and adolescence that I wish I could just delete or rewrite. Even so, God was still there watching and waiting for me to turn to Him.
As I recalled memories, I began to see them from a different perspective. I felt like I was a little girl sitting on my Father's lap looking at pictures from my past. He listened to my telling of the story, then shared His perspective. Often I said "this hurt" and He'd say, "Give it to Me" I would say, "They......" He' d say, "Forgive." Many tears and hours later, I felt so rejuvenated and wrapped up in God's love. (My friend who was watching the boys said I was just glowing. And I felt it.)
As I left to go pick up the kids, I thought about dates my husband and I had and how now I felt very similar inside. Like I was very much in love. Right before I got in my vehicle, I felt God speak to my heart. "Where's my kiss?" Haven't we all heard dates are suppose to end with a kiss. Now I once challenged God that He doesn't give hugs and He set me straight. So I was very apprehensive about this. I leaned against the door and looked down at my toes like a shy school girl. Psalms says God is a lifter of my head so I lifted up my head to heaven and opened my eyes. The sky that night took my breath away; stars glittered like diamonds from horizon to horizon. And I felt a tingling all the way down to my toes, knowing the Creator of all that still has time for little me. Did I feel a kiss on my lips like my husband would have done? No, but God is teaching me little by little how things of the spirit are not the same as the physical. But physical things show us much about spiritual things. And within my spirit I felt the passion of a Savior who know everything about me and still loves me anyway.

SPRING!!

We are so excited spring is here!! Though today is cooler and cloudy, we know that the long winter is over and new life is sprouting up slowly around us. Since Jim died, winters have seemed hard and long. Emotionally and precipitation wise.



But we take a deep breath and sigh and smile.......spring is here. Resurrection Sunday is just around the corner and it reminds us that new life is just around the corner too. One of the many signs of spring is the butterfly and we reflect back on the Bible that tells us there is an earthly body and a celestial body. We know that Daddy is soaring now and he is out of sight. But someday, maybe soon, Jesus is coming back. And we shall see him again and we shall finally see face to face the One who died so we could have the choice to choose life. New life................

Those words are like sunshine to my soul...................................................

In 1998, my life changed and I recieved new life. The boys love stories, true stories about me and their daddy. And in telling them the truth about our ungodly pasts, I am reminded of how much the Lord has saved me from. And I am ever glad that He is still working on me. Because in the end it wasn't just those sins, it wasn't just from hell, it wasn't even just from separation from Himself that Christ Jesus saved me................it was from myself. We hear it often in the world to promote self, look out for self, take time for self. It was all that self talk that got me into trouble from the beginning. The Bible talks of self dying on the cross and living in Christ. It is when we deny our self and focus on Christ that things fall into place and new life springs up in us. A new life in Christ. It is my prayer that all who browse this blog take away this one thing. It is Christ Jesus that brings new life to everything. (I challenge all of you to read The Greatest Decision You Will Ever Make on the side of this blog)

God At Work In The Silence

This has blog has been quiet for six weeks. I got many reasons, but it boils down to life. Life has a way of keeping us busy.

But God has been working on me and in our lives. Randomly I want to acknowledge His handiwork:

• Providing food and helpers when I was down with a miserable flu
• Protecting Snurr when he dumped hot tea on himself; he never got burned
• Leading me to the right counsel on a matter
• Healing the boys when they had the flu
• Giving me strength and stamina to parent them as they woke up alternately in the night
• Using me to recycle His blessings
• Giving me loving family to encourage and support me
• Giving me friends who listen
• Giving us a church that prays for us, the sweetest words spoken to me after our absence from church due to illness was not "we miss you" or even "how are you", but were excitedly said to me by a 1st grader who said "I have been praying for you!!"
• Having other widows touch my life who understand me in ways others simply cannot
• Teaching me the truth about anger and the power of words
• Growing my children in the areas of repentance, helpfulness, and obedience
• Giving me opportunities to grow in firmness and patience
• Being silent on a matter to teach me to learn to wait on Him and learn to quiet and still my mind from fears
• Reminding me that having my hands full (with 3 boys) is a wonderful blessing, not a burden. A handful of boys is more joy than a handful of gold!!

So you see, life has been very busy and full. Sometimes full of fevers, runny noses, and tears and other times full of laughter, smiles, and joys. But continually full of God's presence on and in our lives.

Big Shadows

Tonight as I tucked Snapp into bed, he exclaimed, "What is that???" On the wall was a huge, scary shadow. We investigated and the huge, scary monster was really a little, tiny fly walking around the nightlight:) As we watched his shadowy legs move and then disappear, we chatted about how sometimes little things can seem like big, scary things. As I left his room, I reflected on how once again God used my children to teach me a lesson. There has been some big, scary shadows on the wall of my mind. And God wanted to remind me that they really are tiny compared to Him. I recently received an email that said "Don't tell God how big your troubles are, tell your troubles how BIG your GOD is!!" I guess I better go have a talk with those big shadows:)

Precious in His Sight

"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." Psalm 116:15

We had an interesting conversation on our way home one night this past month. I had said "The worst day in heaven is better than the best day on earth." My oldest son flipped it around and said, "So that means the worst day on earth is the best day in heaven."



WOW--there is a deep thought. Nothing hurts like a loved one dying and it truly feels like the worst day on earth. But thinking on my son's comment, it is the best day for those we love dearly who are in Christ.



The boys and I are at that emotional time of year, when Daddy died and went to Glory---our worst day and his best. My mind goes back to the morning after Jim's death. I had looked up at the dining room ceiling and realized that the streamers the boys and I had decorated with for his birthday were still hanging there. How thought provoking and my mind imagined another party in heaven ........


As these dates come, I am determined to let myself grieve, three years is long, but not that long compared to the depth of love we shared. AND yet I am going to also focus on Jim's best day the day my Lord put His arms around him and said "Welcome Home!!" And I will smile through the tears....

Mean Mommy Award

Proverbs 29:17 tells us, "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul." My father-in-law calls this the Mean Mommy Award verse. You know, when you are being a tough mom instead of a pushover. I like to think of it as a reward for consistant training. Either way it reminds me to not give up and stay focused. And I will "reap if I faint not."

The other night after finishing his consquences for certain actions, Snipp gave me a gift. It was a BEST MOM award complete with various handdrawn colored balloons. I often feel like I am struggling as a mom, but I guess the Lord chose to use my "corrected son" to encourage me to keep striving to be the best mom I can be.

The Right Hand

First a comment to all you left handers: I have nothing against any of you. As I was told once "If your right hand uses the left side of your brain, then only left handers are in their right mind" :) I love left handers. My dearly loved MIL, my maternal grandmother, and even my preacher are left handed. I think even a judge in the Bible is mentioned as a left hander. And maybe after this I will do a study on the left hand, but for now I just want to share what was impressed upon my heart concerning the right hand.

A verse that has been a source of comfort and encouragement on this walk of single motherhood is "For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee." Isaiah 41:13

So I began to research in God's Word about the right hand and here are my notes:

RIGHT HAND----power, can save, holds up, full of righteousness, made strong, gotten victory, special place in God's right hand, does valiantly and is exalted, right hand a place of effectiveness and protection, God's right hand spands the heavens, Jesus is seated at God's right hand, Jesus was seen by Stephen standing at the right hand of God right before he was martyred, the right hand of God is place of intercession.

After this study, I feel God is saying more than just "I am here, don't be scared, you aren't alone." I believe the Lord was telling me He is holding me up from complete failure. With His hand in mine, He is giving me strength to be victorious. My LORD is sharing with me that I am protected and can be effective. And that Christ is ever interceeding on behalf of me and mine.
Those words have begun to soak into my soul and empowered me and endured me to my Saviour all the more.

P.S. Days later this thought came to me: Jim liked me to be on his right side. Whether we were sitting in a pew or driving some where or sleeping in bed. I was to his right and it was with his right hand that he reached out to me. And once again I stand in loving awe of how my Saviour used my husband and his ways to illustrate to me more of His heart and His ways.

Update: As a reminder to this promise of God, I have had my wedding ring resized. And now wear it on my right hand:)

Being a Keeper

In my Bible reading recently, the Lord has had me doing word studies. Mercy, petition, keeper. And I felt the Lord impressing on me to share about my study on being a keeper.

The first use of keeper is from the mouth of Cain "Am I my brother's keeper?" So to be a keeper I need to know where my children are. Not just physically, but also emotionally and most importantly spiritually.

Next I looked at Psalm 121 where we are told "The LORD is thy keeper." Looking at the surrounding verses I learned more about keeping. Keeping is being on guard, protecting from evil, bringing comfort, watching over comings and goings.

In Ecclesiastes 12:3 it speaks of the keeper of the house. These verses are describing the aged body. The keepers of the house are a picture of the arms and hands. It immediately made me think of Proverbs 31 where the virtuous woman "she gireth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.....She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy." So being a keeper is manual work like dishes and laundry and bandaging knees and changing diapers. But it is also ministering to others like helping a struggling child and sharing a scriptural truth and giving a hug to one who is hurting and sharing my blessings with another family.

In the New Testament, the soldiers guarding Jesus' tomb are called keepers in Matthew 28:4 when they shake with fear and become as dead men. Why were they sent to guard a tomb?? To keep thieves out. As a keeper of my home, I am to guard my home and the hearts of my children from the thief Satan, the father of lies.

And lastly, I studied the famous verse on keepers at home in Titus 2:5. The aged women are instructed to teach the younger to be "keepers at home.......that the word of God be not blasphemed." I understand this to be AT home. Busy at home, working at home. Home is to be my priority. Failure to do this and the other matters mentioned would expose the Word of God to contempt by the world. Blaspheme could be another word study, but I understand it to mean to put myself above God either by what I do or what I say. And when God tells me my place is to be a keeper and I leave my command post, His Word is blashemed.

Well, there you have it. Five little verses with amazing insight as to the significance of being a keeper. And now I must go and turn my attention to keeping:)

Update: I thank my Lord that He loves me and mine enough to expose our sin. Just days after this post, a little Achan was discovered and sin was found in the camp (Joshua 7) . Trust was shattered and deceit was confessed. The Lord lead me to this study because He knew I had let my guard down in some areas. We are working on rebuilding trust and I am trying diligently to apply the above truths about being a keeper. We welcome your prayers.